Joke thread

When the pope toured Ireland he was asked what he thought of County Down..

He said "It's not the same since Carol Vordeman left"..
 
al67 said:
Dear Deirdre,

I was watching my next door neighbours daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was knocking one out I noticed my wife just stood there, arms folded, watching me.

Is my wife a pervert?
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Haha
 
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier
in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam
 
Getting old is a terrible thing.

Yesterday I went upstairs and when I got to the top I couldn't remember what I'd gone up for. I stood thinking for a minute or two but eventually just went back downstairs.

That was when I shit myself........
 
Just said to my scouse mate 'there's been a stabbing in Morrisons' he said 'as der mate' I said ..."no Morrisons u thick twat"
 
What do you call a fat computer ?

Adele

*boom, tish* Thank you I'm here all week.
 
418557_208543425940726_839708319_n.jpg
 
An 80-year old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge in Grimsby he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.
...
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied, "6."

The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
 
Good luck to the Brazilian hurdlers-

last time one jumped over a barrier in London, we shot him..!


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On the first day of the Olympics the Romanians take gold,silver,bronze,copper,lead and anything else they can get their fucking hands on. The thieving pikey bastards!


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The Chinese girl swimming in finals today is expected to smash the world record by 10 seconds.

Chi Ting Twat said she is very optimistic !


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My wife walked in from work today and saw the dog licking marmite off my cock
" Don't let him do that!" she screamed, "It's fucking disgusting."
"That's your opinion" I said, "This is his second jar, he absolutely loves the stuff.
 
Paddy goes into a chemist's shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.


"Does it taste sweet?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Good," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
 
In hindsight I should have posted my facebook status as; "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "i've just fucked a 14 year old escort"

Police didnt see the funny side, my laptop has been confiscated an the wife has gone to her mums!
 
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey,but Ive turned myself around and that's what it's all about.
 
Ovo said:
How do you make a gay fuck a woman?

Shit in her ****.
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Aright Chubby. Never did like the fat ****.<br /><br />-- Fri Aug 03, 2012 10:51 pm --<br /><br />Paddy goes to his new job at the builders yard.

"Can ya make tea", said the gaffer.

"Oh i", said paddy.

"Can ya drive a stacker truck"

"Why ? How bigs the fuckin teapot"
 
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