Joke thread

[BlueHammer85]

Fred for Man United.

 

[Big Swifty]

What's the difference between Jill Dando and Ruud Gullit's wife?

One's got a Gullit in her bed.....

 

[East Level 2]

What's the difference between Jill Dando and Ruud Gullit's wife?
One's got a Gullit in her bed.....

First Dando died
Then Dodi died
Then Di died
And now Dido's shitting herself.

 

[CrazyBlues]

A sexy suspense story...
Wife was sure that her husband was having Sex with the House maid so she laid a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for weekend & didn't tell husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the same old story - "Excuse me dear, my stomach is aching" & went to the bathroom. The wife promptly went into the maid's room, switched the lights off & slipped inside her bed.
He came in silently,
he wasted no time on words but quickly started Sex..
When he finished, Wife said-
"U didn't expect me in this bed, did u..?"
& switched on the light...!
"No Madam",said the Watchman..!!

MORAL: Sometimes getting too smart can get you fucked..

 

[Zuriblue]

 

[Zuriblue]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bullying bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bullying bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now, that was a Barbitchyouate."

 

[jimharri]

I've just earned my PhD in palindromes.

Now my name is Dr Awkward.

 

[LWashington]

I've just earned my PhD in palindromes.

Now my name is Dr Awkward.

I have a PhD in palindromes too, in fact it's yours, I just changed the name on your certificate to mine. Now my now is Dr. Award.

 

[dickie davies]

A Scotsman walks into a pub

Normally there would be an Englishman and an Irishman with him, but they're both still in Japan

 

[AliBobbyJ]

Two nuns lying in bed in the convent at night.
One says "Where's the candle?"
The other one says "yes, doesn't it?"

 

[Indaparkside]

Two nuns lying in bed in the convent at night.
One says "Where's the candle?"
The other one says "yes, doesn't it?"

Same but two nuns in a bath and soap

 

[Blue Mist]

Same but two nuns in a bath and soap

Oh how we laughed at that joke in 1974

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

Oh how we laughed at that joke in 1974

Or was it two cons in the prison shower ?

 

[Indaparkside]

Oh how we laughed at that joke in 1974

1934 you old twat:)

 

[Blue Mist]

Or was it two cons in the prison shower ?

nah that was 1976

 

[Bigg Bigg Blue]

nah that was 1976

Thought it might have been "69"

 

[Blue Mist]

Thought it might have been "69"

So did the nuns

 

[Indaparkside]

Mother superior asked 2 nuns to paint the convent but warned they must not get a drop of paint on their atire. After buying the paint the nuns quickly strip of and get to work with their brushes, not long after the doorbell rings and one of the nuns asks who is it?? Its the blind man comes the reply" oh thats all right then she says to her companion he won't see fuck all so she opens the door" nice pair of tits you have love now where would you like these blinds putting

 

[dronefromsector7G]

My wife said she's leaving me because I'm obsessed with supermarkets. “Do you want any help with your packing?" I said.

 

[Blue Mist]

Mother superior asked 2 nuns to paint the convent but warned they must not get a drop of paint on their atire. After buying the paint the nuns quickly strip of and get to work with their brushes, not long after the doorbell rings and one of the nuns asks who is it?? Its the blind man comes the reply" oh thats all right then she says to her companion he won't see fuck all so she opens the door" nice pair of tits you have love now where would you like these blinds putting

Please stop googling 'Jokes from 1986'