Joke thread

[jimharri]

An authoritarian walks into a bar and starts ordering everyone a round.

 

[Deleted member 77198]

An authoritarian walks into a bar and starts ordering everyone a round.

YES!

 

[aguero93:20]

An authoritarian walks into a bar and starts ordering everyone a round.

A blind man walked into a bar. It hurt.

 

[DrBlueBob]

An authoritarian walks into a bar and starts ordering everyone a round.

Finally, a joke.

 

[DrBlueBob]

A blind man walked into a bar. It hurt.

You really need to have a serious word with yourself.

 

[Sam Armstrong]

Try to imagine the Titanic with a lisp .... It's unthinkable!!

 

[Indaparkside]

You really need to have a serious word with yourself.

Especially when the punchline should have been ouch it was a steel one heard that joke 40 years ago

 

[jimharri]

I got some anti gloating cream off the doctor. I've got this strong urge to want to rub it in.

 

[Blue Mist]

Try to imagine the Titanic with a lisp .... It's unthinkable!!

Why not, It had a 30 degree lisp, that's why it sank !!!

 

[aguero93:20]

You really need to have a serious word with yourself.

And several others on this thread.

 

[Deleted member 77198]

 

[Sam Armstrong]

I was in the kitchen earlier when a flying insect came through the window and exploded.

I think it was a jihaddy longlegs!!

 

[Grassland Blue]

You really need to have a serious word with yourself.

Tommy Cooper would like his joke back...

 

[DrBlueBob]

And several others on this thread.

Quite possibly, but in no way does that excuse you.

 

[aguero93:20]

Quite possibly, but in no way does that excuse you.

I was simply responding in kind.

 

[DrBlueBob]

Tommy Cooper would like his joke back...

I genuinely had no idea that the late great TC had said that. I clearly have traits of genius. Thanks for highlighting Grasslands Blue. :-)

 

[DrBlueBob]

I was simply responding in kind.

You do know that you are better than that don't you?

 

[Bill Walker]

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes away.

A couple of nights later, at midnight, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it ?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams !" "So, what's the bad news ?"

"You're in the team for this Saturday's match !

 

[Barcon]

Doesn't he look like a load of white bandages with sunglasses on ?

 

[Grassland Blue]

I genuinely had no idea that the late great TC had said that. I clearly have traits of genius. Thanks for highlighting Grasslands Blue. :-)

T.C. told it several times, slightly different to yours but it always made me smile, daft as it is.
This is how he told it;
"A man walks into a bar.
BOOF!
It was an iron bar!"
With appropriate staggering and stunned look.
Tommy Cooper R.I.P.