Joke thread

St John's has a department store ? The Mall up Kenwood road looked like a ghost town last time I was there.
 
English, Irishman, Scotsman, on a building site. Dinner time arrives Englishman opens his sandwiches fucking ham everyday I get ham, if I get ham tomorrow I’m going to kill myself. Scotsman opens his tuna I fucking hate tuna if I get tuna again tomorrow I’m going to kill myself every fucking day I get tuna. Irishman opens his corned beef I fucking hate corned beef everyday the same if I get corned beef tomorrow I’m going to kill my self. Next day they go for dinner and they’ve got exactly the same fillings again that’s it said the Englishman goodbye my friends and jumps off the bridge their building, see you says jock to paddy and he jumps off paddy gets up and follows suit. 2 weeks later at the funerals English-mans wife said I wish he’d told me he didn’t like ham I miss him so much, Scots-mans wife said why didn’t he tell me he hated tuna life’s not the same-without him paddy's wife said I don’t understand it he made his fucking own.
 
Last edited:
Indaparkside said:
English, Irishman, Scotsman, on a building site. Dinner time arrives Englishman opens his sandwiches ham I fucking ham everyday I get ham, if I get ham tomorrow I’m going to kill myself. Scotsman opens his tuna I fucking hate tuna if I get tuna again tomorrow I’m going to kill myself every fucking day I get tuna. Irishman opens his corned beef I fucking hate corned beef everyday the same if I get corned beef tomorrow I’m going to kill my self. Next day they go for dinner and they’ve got exactly the same fillings again that’s it said the Englishman goodbye my friends and jumps off the bridge their building, see you says jock to paddy and he jumps off paddy gets up and follows suit. 2 weeks later at the funerals English-mans wife said I wish he’d told me he didn’t like ham I miss him so much, Scots-mans wife said why didn’t he tell me he hated tuna life’s not the same-without him paddy's wife said I don’t understand it he made his fucking own.
Click to expand...
Which one survived?
 
The man who developed hard boiled eggs wrapped in sausage meat has died
R.I.P Scott Chegg
 
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward,grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded.When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'
The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'
The trainer exclaimed 'Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!'
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls'
 
Two Aussie blokes were out shooting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed at its size. The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is." The second said, "There's an old gearbox over there. Let's throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom." So, they picked up the gearbox, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in.

As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat came crashing through the brush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first.

While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about. Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "Say, you blokes didn't happen to see my goat?"

The first bloke said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"

The old farmer said, "Nah mate, that's impossible! I had him chained to a gear box."
 
Courtesy of Private Eye

“Children are the future of tomorrow”
KONNIE HUQ
Radio 5 Live

“It’s a great boost for the Premiership to recruit players of his elk”
TREVOR SINCLAIR
TalkSport

“If this [HS2] becomes like a huge great white elephant, this will be an albatross round his neck”
AYESHA HAZARIKA
Sky News

“If they lose this now, it’ll almost feel like a defeat”
ROB PHILLIPS
BBC Radio Wales

“The Leicester ship has got the wind in its sails and is steaming towards Chelsea”
TalkSport commentator
 
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