Joke thread

[jimharri]

I think we can safely say it's a fucking long wall.

 

[PannickAtTheDisco]

I think we can safely say it's a fucking long wall.

blame the Chinese.

 

[East Level 2]

"There were eight hundred and eighty four thousand, five hundred and seventy six green bottles...hanging on the wall......"

This could be worse than starting "Give us a B" at Borussia Park.

 

[DazWA9]

I was shopping with my wife earlier when she looked at me and said " You are a right lazy bastard you "

I was so shocked I nearly fell out of the fucking trolley....

 

[jimharri]

I've just been to Tesco’s and seen a bloke buying 4 crates of San Miguel, 5 paellas and 3 sombreros and I thought to myself..........

Hispanic buying.

 

[Two Gun Bob]

Worst advice I ever got as a kid was “Eat all your food so you grow big and strong”. After years of over-eating I’m now a fat **** : /

 

[flyer]

Yes, but I’d also like to know the dimensions and composition of the wall as well as the means of suspending these green bottles. Oh, and what shade of green are they?

I haven't worked out how bottles 'hang' on a wall, they sit on a wall don't they? And you're asking what bastard colour they are!!

 

[EastStandLower]

I just turned down a job at my local fruit and veg shop.
They offered to pay me in vegetables, but the celery was unacceptable.

 

[PannickAtTheDisco]

This could be worse than starting "Give us a B" at Borussia Park.

VAR review, you forgot the umlaut!

 

[East Level 2]

VAR review, you forgot the umlaut!

In the words of the song: Fuck VAR, Fuck VAR, Fuck VAR.
Anyway, the umlaut isn't over the "o" in Borussia.
But I'm building up tö yet anöther blöödy day wörking fröm höme sö here is a cöllectiön of umlauts.

 

[Fred_Quimby]

“My husband purchased a world map - gave me a dart and said “throw this and wherever it lands I’m taking you on holiday when this pandemic is over”. Turns out we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge”

 

[PannickAtTheDisco]

In the words of the song: Fuck VAR, Fuck VAR, Fuck VAR.
Anyway, the umlaut isn't over the "o" in Borussia.
But I'm building up tö yet anöther blöödy day wörking fröm höme sö here is a cöllectiön of umlauts.

Borussia Verein für Leibesübungen 1900 e.V. Mönchengladbach

 

[Indaparkside]

I asked a Chinese girl for her number she said sex sex sex free sex tonight.
I got a right hard on until her friend said she meant 6663629

 

[Paulpowersleftfoot]

Two guys waiting together in the queue at B&Q

The guy in front of them has 15 litres of exterior masonry house paint and a 2 inch brush.

One guy turns to the other and says incredulously "15 litres of exterior masonry paint and a two inch brush??

That's gonna take that contagious".

 

[bluemoon32]

My cat just asked me if I want the radio leaving on while he goes out.
Fucking prick.

 

[Fiftyyearsandcounting]

2 flys on a piece of shit one farts the other says do you mind I’m eating my lunch

Two fly on the top of a packet of cornflakes. Suddenly, one of the flies sprints to the other side.
The stationary fly asks "Why did you do that?"
"Because the sign said - Tear Along Here"

 

[Indaparkside]

Two fly on the top of a packet of cornflakes. Suddenly, one of the flies sprints to the other side.
The stationary fly asks "Why did you do that?"
"Because the sign said - Tear Along Here"

Fly on a pile of shite all of a sudden he here’s buzzzzz splosh fucking hell jim said the fly not seen you for a while, no Ben he replied I’ve been on the sick

 

[Tuearts right boot]

When are we all back at work...?????

 

[mat]

Holly Willoughby, Philip schofield and Gino de campo were walking over a bridge.
Holly trips and gets her head stuck between the railings.
Without a sideways glance, Gino pulls aside her G-String and fucks her senseless.
He stands back and tells Phillip "your turn"!
Phillip burst out into tears. "Whats wrong? Asks Gino.
Phillip sobs, "My head won't fit in the railings."

 

[nmc]

Holly Willoughby, Philip schofield and Gino de campo were walking over a bridge.
Holly trips and gets her head stuck between the railings.
Without a sideways glance, Gino pulls aside her G-String and fucks her senseless.
He stands back and tells Phillip "your turn"!
Phillip burst out into tears. "Whats wrong? Asks Gino.
Phillip sobs, "My head won't fit in the railings."

Gino would have ‘half inched’ her handbag and fucked off.