That was red elsewhere
Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
Sam Armstrong
Well-Known Member
A mate called me earlier and said, "I've just had a massive fight with the missus. Do you happen to have a spare bed for a few weeks until I can find a flat?"
I replied, "I've got a sofa, if that's any use?" "Perfect," he said, "you're an absolute legend! I'll send her round in the morning!!"
I replied, "I've got a sofa, if that's any use?" "Perfect," he said, "you're an absolute legend! I'll send her round in the morning!!"
Ancient Citizen
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 26 Jul 2009
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- 15,712
The wife has been mithering me about all the flies in the living room.
So I've just put a bucket of shit in the kitchen.
So I've just put a bucket of shit in the kitchen.
The Black Bra (as told by a woman):
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
" What's for dinner, Zorro?"
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
" What's for dinner, Zorro?"
Zuriblue
Well-Known Member
Sam Armstrong
Well-Known Member
If you get that call from a track and tracer telling you to quarantine for 14 days, remember to name these people as those you have been in close contact with ....
Klopp, Alisson, Robertson, Trent Alexander, Wijnaldum, Van Dijk, Lovren, Milner, Henderson, Salah, Mane, Firmino, Origi, Oxlade Chamberlain, Gomez, Keita, Lallana, Adrian, Shaqiri, Fabinho.
Klopp, Alisson, Robertson, Trent Alexander, Wijnaldum, Van Dijk, Lovren, Milner, Henderson, Salah, Mane, Firmino, Origi, Oxlade Chamberlain, Gomez, Keita, Lallana, Adrian, Shaqiri, Fabinho.
Barcon
Well-Known Member
You got that off an ice lolly stick in 1975 didn't you?
mindmyp's_n_q's
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 5 Oct 2010
- Messages
- 5,298
What's the difference between a bullet and a US Police officer?
When a bullet kills someone, you can guarantee its been fired.
When a bullet kills someone, you can guarantee its been fired.
dronefromsector7G
Well-Known Member
People laugh at my car because it's ugly and green... But at least I avocado!
Fred_Quimby
Well-Known Member
A 'Dominic Cummings' is now a golfing term...
It means a really long drive that goes out of bounds but there's no penalty!
It means a really long drive that goes out of bounds but there's no penalty!
Sam Armstrong
Well-Known Member
I was talking to my mate and told him, "The wife keeps going on at me and asking if I think I'm some kind of Alice in Wonderland character? It's getting really annoying!"
He said, "Are you mad at her?"
I said, "Fuck's sake, don't you start!"
He said, "Are you mad at her?"
I said, "Fuck's sake, don't you start!"
M
M
mat
Guest
What's JK Rowling and Debbie McGhee got in common?
They have both been milking small wizards for years.
They have both been milking small wizards for years.
BackofJeanette
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 20 Apr 2011
- Messages
- 1,658
My wife said to me " I can think of 14 reasons to divorce you, plus your obsession with tennis!"
I replied " That's 15 love!"
I replied " That's 15 love!"
Ifwecouldjust.......
Well-Known Member
My budgie broke his leg today, so I made a splint from matches.
His face lit up when he tried to walk.
His face lit up when he tried to walk.
jimharri
Moderator
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
Few people know that unfortunately this made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
My coat is on hook 12, thanks.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
Few people know that unfortunately this made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
My coat is on hook 12, thanks.
jimharri
Moderator
Ashamed to say, I went along to the riots over George Floyd's death and looted myself a 65-inch telly.
Some would say that makes me a common thief, but I like to look at the bigger picture.
Some would say that makes me a common thief, but I like to look at the bigger picture.