Joke thread

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RadcliffeRick said:
@DazWA9 If you are going to nick a 'joke' from twitter or similar and pretend it is your own, at least have the decency to check half a page back to check that it has not already been posted. We are trying to maintain some standards here, admittedly we are failing but you are not helping one little bit.
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I didn’t realise there was any semblance of a standard on this thread. There you go, you learn something new every day.

Tha old school report ‘Sets a low standard and fails to achieve it’.
 
Plane crashes and a bloke ends up washing up on a desert island with a pig and a dog. After a few days hes gets horny and decides to try and mount the pig. As he goes to take down his trousers the dog starts to get aggressive towards him so he thinks fuck it and pulls his pants back up. A few more days pass and he gets even more horny and tries to give the pig another go but the dog gets aggressive again. A fews weeks pass and the bloke looks into the ocean and sees a woman screaming for help, he swims out and brings ger to safety. She says to him ‘how can i repay you, ill do anything, anything at all you name it ill do it’ he replies.. ‘you couldnt take that fucking dog for a walk for 10 minutes could ya’
 
Paulpowersleftfoot said:
Plane crashes and a bloke ends up washing up on a desert island with a pig and a dog. After a few days hes gets horny and decides to try and mount the pig. As he goes to take down his trousers the dog starts to get aggressive towards him so he thinks fuck it and pulls his pants back up. A few more days pass and he gets even more horny and tries to give the pig another go but the dog gets aggressive again. A fews weeks pass and the bloke looks into the ocean and sees a woman screaming for help, he swims out and brings ger to safety. She says to him ‘how can i repay you, ill do anything, anything at all you name it ill do it’ he replies.. ‘you couldnt take that fucking dog for a walk for 10 minutes could ya’
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Sounds familiar, this one.
 
dronefromsector7G said:
I told my wife that I heard a Chinese man sing ‘Hero’ at karaoke tonight.
"The Mariah Carey song?" she asked.
"No, Lionel Richie!"
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I had the chicken dish at the local chinese. I told the waiter, tell the chef this chicken is rubbery.

Water said yes sir, chef always lokes compliments
 
I finally got to take the girl that works in our chippy out for an evening. On one of her rare days off work I invited her out for a meal, after that we had a glass of wine. I was so excited when she invited me back to her place after. We were getting romantic and she whispered "what would you like me to do?" I replied "I would love a 69" she replied " if you think I am getting the wok out now you can think again".
 
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