Joke thread

manclad said:
There's an Englishman,an Irishman and a Scotsman.
They all go into a bar ........
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They sit and are served their drinks, talk about important shit like men, take the piss, laugh, call each other a **** about 1,000 times, laugh some more, argue about football, talk about how their partners got them sussed, leave, go for food, order too much, wake up covered in pakora and chilli sauce, meet up the next day and ask whose idea was the tequila shots at the end.
 
Magicpole said:
They sit and are served their drinks, talk about important shit like men, take the piss, laugh, call each other a **** about 1,000 times, laugh some more, argue about football, talk about how their partners got them sussed, leave, go for food, order too much, wake up covered in pakora and chilli sauce, meet up the next day and ask whose idea was the tequila shots at the end.
Click to expand...
That’s gas.
 
Magicpole said:
They sit and are served their drinks, talk about important shit like men, take the piss, laugh, call each other a **** about 1,000 times, laugh some more, argue about football, talk about how their partners got them sussed, leave, go for food, order too much, wake up covered in pakora and chilli sauce, meet up the next day and ask whose idea was the tequila shots at the end.
Click to expand...
I am imagining Dave Allen ( sat on his stool,with a glass of whisky in one hand,and a cigarette in the other,the one with 4 digits) and I KNOW he would have come up with a great punch line to this joke!!!
Must try harder Magicpole !!!!
 
A man wakes up one morning to find that he's grown a thick beard and is wearing a turban....

Being disoriented, he calls his boss in order to see if he can get the day off.

Man: "Boss, I just woke up with a turban and a long, thick beard. I think I need a day to figure things out."

Boss: " So what are you saying....?"

Man: "I'm calling in Sikh."
 
manclad said:
I am imagining Dave Allen ( sat on his stool,with a glass of whisky in one hand,and a cigarette in the other,the one with 4 digits) and I KNOW he would have come up with a great punch line to this joke!!!
Must try harder Magicpole !!!!
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You’re are so persistent. Talk to somebody.

ok then.

the Irishman says, it wasn’t me, if I didn’t order Guinnesss, I wouldn’t be allowed home and people would shun me.

The Scotsman said, I would be publicly shot if I ordered anything but a Malt, or a bottle of Buckie.

The Englishman, seeing how this was heading......

Finish off the line. All welcome, let’s see your Manc wit, it’s legendary, don’t let it down. No pressure. Shit lines will be hideously mocked.
 
Magicpole said:
You’re are so persistent. Talk to somebody.

ok then.

the Irishman says, it wasn’t me, if I didn’t order Guinnesss, I wouldn’t be allowed home and people would shun me.

The Scotsman said, I would be publicly shot if I ordered anything but a Malt, or a bottle of Buckie.

The Englishman, seeing how this was heading......

Finish off the line. All welcome, let’s see your Manc wit, it’s legendary, don’t let it down. No pressure. Shit lines will be hideously mocked.
Click to expand...
The Englishman,seeing how this was heading proceeded to utter those immortal words -
" It's Ok, I've got my bike outside " !!!!
 
Magicpole said:
You’re are so persistent. Talk to somebody.

ok then.

the Irishman says, it wasn’t me, if I didn’t order Guinnesss, I wouldn’t be allowed home and people would shun me.

The Scotsman said, I would be publicly shot if I ordered anything but a Malt, or a bottle of Buckie.

The Englishman, seeing how this was heading......

Finish off the line. All welcome, let’s see your Manc wit, it’s legendary, don’t let it down. No pressure. Shit lines will be hideously mocked.
Click to expand...
… nudges the Welshman and says , are you going to take a leek? Here’s a pint glass, fill that and give it back, and I can have my usual.
 
Magicpole said:
You’re are so persistent. Talk to somebody.

ok then.

the Irishman says, it wasn’t me, if I didn’t order Guinnesss, I wouldn’t be allowed home and people would shun me.

The Scotsman said, I would be publicly shot if I ordered anything but a Malt, or a bottle of Buckie.

The Englishman, seeing how this was heading......

Finish off the line. All welcome, let’s see your Manc wit, it’s legendary, don’t let it down. No pressure. Shit lines will be hideously mocked.
Click to expand...
The English man said "ill have a pint of Boddingtons, I love a bit of head"
 
JASR said:
… nudges the Welshman and says , are you going to take a leek? Here’s a pint glass, fill that and give it back, and I can have my usual.
Click to expand...
It started by introducing the Welsh, not mentioned. I will overlook that, although every fibre of my jumper isn’t happy. Like the clever use of the imperial measurement debate. Just as well it was a Welshman he was ordering to piss in a jar. They are terminally docile to being fucked over. The **** would have been wearing it, if the Buckie chap had consumed the contents.
 
Magicpole said:
You’re are so persistent. Talk to somebody.

ok then.

the Irishman says, it wasn’t me, if I didn’t order Guinnesss, I wouldn’t be allowed home and people would shun me.

The Scotsman said, I would be publicly shot if I ordered anything but a Malt, or a bottle of Buckie.

The Englishman, seeing how this was heading......

Finish off the line. All welcome, let’s see your Manc wit, it’s legendary, don’t let it down. No pressure. Shit lines will be hideously mocked.
Click to expand...
And the english man says 'there's a Norwegian bloke giving me the eye, I'll buy him a pint in the hope he fucks me senseless behind the bus station.'
 
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