Joke thread

Grassland Blue said:
A comedian with a reputation for drinking is performing at a small function in a local church hall.
His driver is waiting outside for him.

The comedian asks the audience, What's oval, moist and surrounded by little hairsh?"

The audience is silent.

Thw comedian says," Well, if you don't know, ish a womansh fanny".

He ia promptly shown rhe door.

Getting into the car after being in fhe hall for only a few minutes, his driver says, "Well, it looks like you've buggered up the eyeball joke again.......)!
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A bloke buys a jar of his favourite preserve , gets it home does some toast and spreads it on takes a bite finds some inedible bits that’s taste awful and spits them out! He decides to complain and sends the jar back to the manufacturer with the bits he couldn’t eat , sometime later he receives a letter with the analysis, they apologise and say that a rodent found its way into the manufacturing process and the inedible bits were two lips from hamster jam !
 
An acquaintance went to do some ice fishing in Alaska.
He had started to dig a hole in the ice when a voice said "There aren't any fish there".

So he moved a short distance away from where he had been sitting and began to dig again.
Once more a voice said, "There are no fish under there".

Moving yet further away he began to dig again.
For a third time the voice spoke to him. " This is the ice rink manager speaking and I am telling you for the last time that there aren't any fish under there!"
 
Grassland Blue said:
An acquaintance went to do some ice fishing in Alaska.
He had started to dig a hole in the ice when a voice said "There aren't any fish there".

So he moved a short distance away from where he had been sitting and began to dig again.
Once more a voice said, "There are no fish under there".

Moving yet further away he began to dig again.
For a third time the voice spoke to him. " This is the ice rink manager speaking and I am telling you for the last time that there aren't any fish under there!"
Click to expand...
At Manchester Aquatics centre there are two swimming pools, the main and also one downstairs
As it was built for the commonwealth games tge facility is used for really important swimming competitions, but as it has two pools, sometimes is open to the public at the same time
A couple of swimmers from our club were there for the North West regional championships and one of the Dads told me the following
There were around 400 spectators in the stand, couple of hundred swimmers and coaches stood and sat around the outside of the pool along with all the officials dressed in white. Just as a race ended and the competitors in the heat were climbing out of the pool, (so despite all these people poolside, the pool is completely empty) a bloke walks onto poolside wearing a big baggy pair of swim shorts, carrying a big pink coloured inflateable crab and has with four small children with him
Everybody stopped to look at this bloke as it was obvious he was in the wrong place, but he hadn't cottoned on.
He launched his crab into the empty swimming pool and the announcer for the meet then spoke over the tannoy "the swimmer in lane eight is disqualified for illegal use of an inflatable crab"
The bloke with his kids stopped, looked around, realised his error, gathered his kids and crab and scuttled off whilst everyone else was pissing themselves laughing
 
When Miley Cyrus gets naked & licks a hammer, it's "art" & "music".
But when I do it, I get told that I'm drunk and get asked to leave B&Q.
 
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