Joke thread

A doctor is sat in his shared practice examining a patient when another doctor suddenly bursts in through the door.
"Dr. Smith, you've got to come to my room quick!" he gasped.
"I have a woman in my room who has a vagina like a watermelon!"
The doctor thought this has to be something he has to see so he follows his colleague into his room where the woman is lying on her back with her legs open.
The doctor looks at the vagina for a few minutes, frowning before saying,
"I don't understand, Dr. Walsh, this woman's vagina looks perfectly normal to me."


"Taste it!" replies the Dr.




Take one whole chicken... some garlic... a lemon... some pancetta... and put them in a large pot...

Then shove it up your jumper and run like fuck through the checkouts...
 
JULES said:
why did the chicken cross the road?


because it was stuffed in anthony worrel thompson`s jacket
Click to expand...

Why did the dinosaur cross the road ?...... because chickens hadn't evolved yet.
 
My missus dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled your being charged with being shit in bed after 2 minutes she said the charge was being dropped due to lack of evidence..
 
NASA send two monkeys and a woman to space.
Radio messages:
NASA to monkey 1: Optimise life support systems and recalibrate radiation monitoring equipment

NASA to monkey 2: Check trajectory and compensate if required using formula (m2-3n)x(5-m3)

NASA to woman: Feed Monkeys - Touch fuck all.
 
Italian authorities to contact David Moyes he has been in charge of a sinking ship for years
 
Wife - "Can I drive?"

Husband - "No. I'm fine"

Wife - "Oh, please let me. I really want to!"

Husband - "No"

Wife - "I tell you what, if you let me drive, just for a bit, when we get home I'll give you a blowjob"

Husband - "Really?"

Wife - "Promise"

Husband - "Oh go on then"

..."And that, your honour, is the final entry from the black box on the Costa Concordia".
 
I rang up the toy shop the other day and said "That model you've got of the Costa Concordia ..... put it on one side for me"
 
italian divers searching the stricken liner for survivors came across 2 glaswegians at the bar,they told the divers to FUCK OFF,they are all inclusive and have 3 days left!!!
 
Ten priests are killed in a coach accident.
They reach the pearly gates and are greeted by the archangel gabriel
"all those who have been involved in fucking boys, take the down escalator".
Nine priests turn around and start their descent,
"oi" shouts gabriel. "take this deaf **** with you".
 
its now a yellow card offence to pass the ball to andy carrol ,
its classed as time wasting by referees
 
I was chatting to a bird in a club.She whispered, "Do you fancy coming back to mine, I've got a fanny the size of a Polo."I said, "Oh yes."When we got back to her place I pulled down her knickers and gasped.She said, "Surprised?"I said, "Totally,
I thought you meant the mint not the fucking hatchback.. !!
 
Wife - "Can I drive?"
Husband - "No. I'm fine"
Wife - "Oh, please let me. I really want to!"
Husband - "No"
Wife - "I tell you what, if you let me drive, just for a bit, when we get home I'll give you a blowjob"
Husband - "Really?"
Wife - "Promise"
Husband - "Oh go on then"..."
And that, your honor, is the final entry from the black box
on the Costa Concordia".
 
leruzin said:
Wife - "Can I drive?"
Husband - "No. I'm fine"
Wife - "Oh, please let me. I really want to!"
Husband - "No"
Wife - "I tell you what, if you let me drive, just for a bit, when we get home I'll give you a blowjob"
Husband - "Really?"
Wife - "Promise"
Husband - "Oh go on then"..."
And that, your honor, is the final entry from the black box
on the Costa Concordia".
Click to expand...

The last page wants it's joke back.
 
On June 3rd the Queen's Golden Jubilee Celebrations are set to climax with over 1000 boats sailing up the River Thames.That`s the most seamen for an 85 year old grandmother since Wayne Rooney went for a massage.
 
shite joke
citykev28 said:
Irish divers who went for a look at the titanic wreckage were amazed to find that after a century, the swimming pools were still full.

Me coats got me name in it.
Click to expand...
 
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