Joke thread

pudge said:
It's been posted before so apologies but i feel it should grace every joke thread;

A man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."

So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."

The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!

"The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'

The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!

"So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.

"The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'"

The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head.
Click to expand...
Nearly spat my drink out.
 
citykev28 said:
what have an eagle and a mole got in common?


they both live under the ground.....apart from the eagle.
Click to expand...



1304618376_tumbleweed-gif.gif
 
A dwarf walks into a brothel with springs tied to each arm and each leg. The brass he selects isn't expecting much, but when he gets her in the bedroom he attaches the springs to the bed and smashes the granny out of her for 4 hours non-stop, like she's never had it before. As she lies there afterward completely satisfied, she says "I didn't expect that, how did you do it?" He replies "That's my Foursprung Dwarf Technique"

I'm here all week.
 
Piece of black tarmac walks into a bar and shouts "im the hardest bastard in here.''
Barman says ''calm down mate,of course you are, you're a piece of tarmac!''
Then a piece of red tarmac walks in and says"I'll fight any fucker here. Who wants a beating?"
Black tarmac stays silent.
The barman says to black tarmac "Why didn't you say anything? I thought you wanted a fight?
Black tarmac replies"I'm not messing with that fucker, he's a fucking cyclepath."
 
ad on dating website





premature ejaculator would like to meet lady with huge breasts, long legs......aaahhhhh doesn't matter
 
I was standing at a urinal earlier today and next to me was a midget also having a wee. I noticed he was winking at me so I looked away, I turned and looked again and the little bugga was winking at me like crazy! Disturbed by this, I said "Are you gay? Do u fancy me or something?" he replied " No you're splashing in my bloody eyes!"
 
did you hear about the magic tractor? it turned into a field.

whats green and has wheels? grass i lied about the wheels
 
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '.

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard'
 
bloke in a nightclub sees a huge fat girl at the bar.he walks up to her and asks'have u got a pen?'she looks up smiles and says"why,yes i do". 'well' says the bloke,"you'd better fuck off back to it before the farmer realises your missing!"
 
Paddy goes for a job at a chemical factory and the manager asks.. have you worked with chemicals before?
Yes! Paddy replies...
The manager asks....can you tell me what nitrate is?
Paddy replies...I'm hoping it's fucking double time !
 
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely. Since then I've got a dog, bought a new motorbike, shagged two women and blown a grand on drink and drugs.

She'll go mental when she gets home from work..
 
armed robber goes into a bank says " put your hands in the air and give me all ya cash!"suddenly a guy pulls his balaclava off and the gunman shoots him dead!! and says"right who else saw my face??"guy says looking down "think that rag in the united shirt got a glimpse!!!!"
 
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