Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
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bakerdave76
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Wanna know the secret to making a woman go mmmmmm all night long?.....................................
Duct tape!
Duct tape!
westdidsburyblue
Well-Known Member
lol
The top 8 things girls should say to men:
1. I'm bored, let's shave me snatch
2. Are you sure you've had plenty to drink?
3. That fart was awesome drop another!
4. Of course I swallow, it's lush
5. No thats ok you watch porn, I'll toss you off after i've done these dishes.
6. Just for a change stick it up me arse.
7. Are you still shagging that girl at work?
8. Marriage? No fucking way!
Sadly, Carlsberg dont do these girlfriends but Thailand does!
1. I'm bored, let's shave me snatch
2. Are you sure you've had plenty to drink?
3. That fart was awesome drop another!
4. Of course I swallow, it's lush
5. No thats ok you watch porn, I'll toss you off after i've done these dishes.
6. Just for a change stick it up me arse.
7. Are you still shagging that girl at work?
8. Marriage? No fucking way!
Sadly, Carlsberg dont do these girlfriends but Thailand does!
BackofJeanette
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David Moyes failed with a late bid to sign the hacksaw that was used to free that protestor , Moyes said it is the sharpest thing he's seen in the everton box all season.<br /><br />-- Thu Feb 02, 2012 11:20 pm --<br /><br />A bloke phones up his local council office and says I have just raped a fat ginger bird . The council woman says You should phone the police to confess. The man replies I don't want to confess, I want you to fix the fuckin lights in the park.
BertTrautmann'sParachute
Well-Known Member
What do you call Santa's children? Subordinate clauses....
A 93 year old man is sat on the kerb crying, a
passerby asks "whats up?" The old man moans "I'm 93,married to a 21 year old swedish underwear model who wants sex twice before breakfast and again at lunch, once before tea and sucks me off twice again at night!"
Passerby says "whats the problem?"
The old man replies "I can't fucking remember where I live!"
passerby asks "whats up?" The old man moans "I'm 93,married to a 21 year old swedish underwear model who wants sex twice before breakfast and again at lunch, once before tea and sucks me off twice again at night!"
Passerby says "whats the problem?"
The old man replies "I can't fucking remember where I live!"
BackofJeanette
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"Johnny," says the teacher, "what's the first thing your father does in the morning?"
"He takes a shit, sir," says Johnny.
"Oh," says the teacher, "and what does your father do for a living?"
"He's a bricklayer," says Johnny.
The teacher thinks, hmm, working class, what else can you expect?
"Bobby," says the teacher, "what's the first thing your father does in the morning?"
"He takes a shit, sir," says Bobby.
"Hmm," says the teacher, "and what does your father do for a living?"
"He's a joiner," says Johnny.
The teacher sees this as confirming his suspicions about the lack of linguistic skills among working class children.
"Freddy," he says. "What does your father do for a living?"
"He's a lawyer, sir" says Freddy.
"And what's the first thing your father does in the morning?"
"He reads The Times, sir," says Freddy.
"Interesting," says the teacher, "and how much time does he spend reading the paper?"
"Not long," says Freddy, "just until he's finished taking a shit."
"He takes a shit, sir," says Johnny.
"Oh," says the teacher, "and what does your father do for a living?"
"He's a bricklayer," says Johnny.
The teacher thinks, hmm, working class, what else can you expect?
"Bobby," says the teacher, "what's the first thing your father does in the morning?"
"He takes a shit, sir," says Bobby.
"Hmm," says the teacher, "and what does your father do for a living?"
"He's a joiner," says Johnny.
The teacher sees this as confirming his suspicions about the lack of linguistic skills among working class children.
"Freddy," he says. "What does your father do for a living?"
"He's a lawyer, sir" says Freddy.
"And what's the first thing your father does in the morning?"
"He reads The Times, sir," says Freddy.
"Interesting," says the teacher, "and how much time does he spend reading the paper?"
"Not long," says Freddy, "just until he's finished taking a shit."
pfazz
Well-Known Member
Just been watching a lesbian 3d blue -ray on my HD TV.
For added effect I put 2 open cans of tuna on the radiator,..... It's like I'm in the room!
For added effect I put 2 open cans of tuna on the radiator,..... It's like I'm in the room!
BackofJeanette
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I recently found myself sleeping in the same carriage on a train with a complete stranger. After the initial embarrassment we both went to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, me on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leaned over, woke me up and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
I leaned out and, with a cheeky wink, said, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thought for a moment. "Why not," she giggled.
"Great," I replied, "Get your own fucking blanket!"
In the middle of the night the woman leaned over, woke me up and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
I leaned out and, with a cheeky wink, said, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thought for a moment. "Why not," she giggled.
"Great," I replied, "Get your own fucking blanket!"
mancharlie
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My wife was devastated when her PIP breast implant ruptured, leaking industrial grade silicone..... However, now she's had her nipple pierced, we've been able to seal around the bath, kitchen sink and toilet cistern...!!
-- Sat Feb 04, 2012 8:16 pm --
Priest & Nun on a Camel in the Sahara Desert, the Camel drops dead leaving them doomed. Realising their fate, & having never seen a naked woman, the priest asks the nun to show her tits & she agrees, providing he shows his cock. They fondle each other & the priest gets an erection.
Priest says, "You know if I put this in the right place I can create life."
The nun replies, "Good! Stick it up the camels arse & lets get the fuck out of here."<br /><br />-- Sat Feb 04, 2012 8:17 pm --<br /><br />A pretty polish girl stows away on a ship, so she can start a new life in America. 3 weeks later she is found & brought before the Captain. He asks "what r u doing on my boat." She
replies, " I have met a Liverpudlian sailor & he is stowing me away till we get to America. He brings me 3 meals a day and in return I let him fuck me every night." Captain replies
"Oh he's fuckin you all right, this is the Birkenhead Ferry."
-- Sat Feb 04, 2012 8:16 pm --
Priest & Nun on a Camel in the Sahara Desert, the Camel drops dead leaving them doomed. Realising their fate, & having never seen a naked woman, the priest asks the nun to show her tits & she agrees, providing he shows his cock. They fondle each other & the priest gets an erection.
Priest says, "You know if I put this in the right place I can create life."
The nun replies, "Good! Stick it up the camels arse & lets get the fuck out of here."<br /><br />-- Sat Feb 04, 2012 8:17 pm --<br /><br />A pretty polish girl stows away on a ship, so she can start a new life in America. 3 weeks later she is found & brought before the Captain. He asks "what r u doing on my boat." She
replies, " I have met a Liverpudlian sailor & he is stowing me away till we get to America. He brings me 3 meals a day and in return I let him fuck me every night." Captain replies
"Oh he's fuckin you all right, this is the Birkenhead Ferry."
mancharlie
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- 269
A couple were cuddling up in bed on their wedding night; 'Darling' the bride said. 'I have a confession.......I used to be a hooker'.Taken aback the groom thought for a while and then replied: 'actually that's quite erotic....tell me about it'.'Well' she replied. 'My name was Nigel and I played for Wigan'<br /><br />-- Sun Feb 05, 2012 11:51 am --<br /><br />A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
BackofJeanette
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Howard Webb's kids have denied that there dad is a secret Man Utd fan.
"He is totally unbiased" said Alex,Rio,Ryan,Wayne,Nemanja
"He is totally unbiased" said Alex,Rio,Ryan,Wayne,Nemanja
mammutly
Well-Known Member
mancharlie said:
Just Brilliant!
paphos-mcfc
Well-Known Member
I was offered a new job at Birmingham Airport on their new body scanner machine today.
The head of security said, "You can look at knobs, tits and cunts all day"
I replied " I already do, I'm a steward at old Trafford"
The head of security said, "You can look at knobs, tits and cunts all day"
I replied " I already do, I'm a steward at old Trafford"
Ancient Citizen
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Premature ejaculator seeks brunette female with massive tits and a waxed......
wait.... Oh!
It doesn't matter.
wait.... Oh!
It doesn't matter.
Mustard Dave
Well-Known Member
Italians:
Fabrizio
Rossi
Biaggi
Schettino
Fabrizio
Rossi
Biaggi
Schettino