Joke thread

I saw a guy lying unconscious in my street yesterday. I tried doing the hand-only CPR the way Vinnie Jones showed me on the British Heart Foundation advert but by the time I found my Bee Gee's CD the **** was already dead.
 
Bloke takes his goldfish to the vets and says to the vet " I think my Goldfish is epileptic",vet says " it looks alright to me"..bloke says "but you havent taken it out of the bowl yet" !!
 
T_Bone said:
ACON result:
Nigeria 8 Ethiopia Didn't
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What did they have ?? Finch and chimps or snake and pigmy pie ??

Bloke in sweden walks into a chemists and says to man behind counter "good morning I'd like some deodourant" man behind counter says " ball or aerosole??",Man says " Neither....it's for my armpits".
 
samharris said:
Bloke takes his goldfish to the vets and says to the vet " I think my Goldfish is epileptic",vet says " it looks alright to me"..bloke says "but you havent taken it out of the bowl yet" !!
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funny this. made me roar.
 
paddy gets nicked for wife beating
the judge ask's , ''why do you keep beating her?''
paddy says , i think its my weigh advantage , longer reach & superior footwork''
 
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says "Hello !" .

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
 
Apologies if already posted and no doubt a lot of you have received it in the past but it`s not a bad one from the rags.

Bobby Charlton was a guest of Roberto Mancini at the Etihad stadium last weekend. In the hospitality lounge at the end, Mancini asked, "Bobby, how do you think the current City team would fare against the Utd team of 1968?" Charlton replies, "I think it`d be a draw." Mancini walks away feeling very pleased with himself, when Charlton shouts across the room, "Mind you, we haven`t trained in 40 years, you blue twat!"

All good fun. We`ll be the ones laughing at the end of the season though!
 
I got sacked from my job as a Bingo caller the other day. Apparently, ''A meal for two with a terrible view'' isn't the best way to announce number 69.
 
A Government warning said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets or sleeping bag, extra clothing including a scarf hat and gloves, 24 hour supply of food and drink de- icer, rock salt, torch, spare batteries,safety triangle, tow rope, petrol can,first aid kit and jump leads... I looked a right twat on the bus this morning!!



My Missus has been working as a magicians assistant for a few years now, and she's picked up a few tricks... The other day I came home early to find her dressed in her kinky underwear, "abracadabra!" she shouted, and my best mate Dave came out of the wardrobe stark naked... He must have wondered what the fuck was going on!


Big fight at a gypsy wedding in Ireland. Goes to court and the judge says "Can anyone explain what happened?" Paddy says "I can, I was the best man and I was dancing with the bride. We were dancing quite close when the groom stormed up and kicked the bride in the fanny". "I see," says the judge. "That must have hurt." "Bloody right" says Paddy, ". . he broke 3 of my fingers".
 
paphos-mcfc said:
A Government warning said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets or sleeping bag, extra clothing including a scarf hat and gloves, 24 hour supply of food and drink de- icer, rock salt, torch, spare batteries,safety triangle, tow rope, petrol can,first aid kit and jump leads... I looked a right twat on the bus this morning!!
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Bit of an acquired taste i'd imagine
 
I`d been in hospital for a few days when I said to the nurse "how much longer have I got to be in here? I`m really getting bored now". " you can always discharge yourself" she replies. .. "ok, shut the curtains and show us yer tits"

I got caught pissing in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted that loud I almost fell in.
 
The Mrs has just come into the living room wearing a little pvc number, fishnets and high heels. She handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down, relax, and when she comes back she'll give me 'what she does best'.

I can't wait.
I bloody love Shepherd's Pie.
 
Alex ferguson dies and goes to heaven,he's greeted at the pearly gates by Gabriel who says to him " come this way Alex- God has a lovely house just for you"..Gabriel takes him by the hand and leads him through beautiful fields and valleys bathed in sunlight,past rivers where lions play with antelopes and all is tranquil and peaceful..They come to a clearing in a beautiful forest and there are two houses, one a quaint cottage with white fencing and wishing well in the centre of the lawn with the name Fergies Field above the doorway.. "This is yours" says Gabriel "and we hope you like it".. Fergie didnt hear Gabriel as he is too busy fuming at the sight of the house next door.. It's a 50 bed mansion painted in sky blue and white, Manchester City flags fly from the roof, City banners hang from the gutters,City scarves hang from the window sills, Blue moon can be heard booming from the open windows and the blue moon in the sky is visible during the daylight hours as well as the night..Fergie says to Gabriel " I expect this is Mancinis house for when he comes to heaven then"?? to which a big booming voice from the sky says " fuck off you old soak....thats my house"!!
 
I've spotted Chelsea's cunning plan.

You don't have to worry about UEFA financial fair play rules if you're not in Europe.
 
The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight... "promise!"
Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easy. At 3am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Got away with that one, I thought! Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'oh f**k,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more.... then farted."
 
I suggested to my wife that she should shave her twat to spice up our sex life!.......fucking bitch , I woke up bald this morning!
 
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