Joke thread

My daughter asked me, "Daddy, where is mummy?"

"She's with the angels now.

"You mean she's dead?

""No, she ran off with a biker!"<br /><br />-- Thu Aug 16, 2012 5:34 pm --<br /><br />My son's English teacher phoned today and told me he had put an apostrophe somewhere he shouldn't have.

"We all make silly mistakes," I said. "He's still only learning."

"I know he is," she replied.

"The problem is, this was a plastic one, and he had it up his arse."
 
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything...
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.
As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"



The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees

(I'll get my coat)!
 
Brisblu said:
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything...
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.
As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"



The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees

(I'll get my coat)!
Click to expand...


i call you a cab,...........
 
blue wang said:
Brisblu said:
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything...
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.
As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"



The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees

(I'll get my coat)!
Click to expand...


i call you a cab,...........
Click to expand...

First letters right ;-)
 
i was walking by the local mental hospital today and i could hear them all shouting 12 , 12 , 12 , 12 , 12 , from the grounds .

i was curious as to what was going on but i couldnt see over the fence until i discovered a little hole in the fence .

i put my eye to the hole and immeadiately one of the bastards stuck a pencil in my eye .

then i heard them all shouting .13 , 13 , 13 ,13 , 13 .
 
I'm a surgeon and today i performed life saving surgery on a child... When the child awoke, the mother burst into tears and cried "thank god your okay".

Another case of credit where it's not due
 
3 dogs at the vet, 1 st dog says to the 2nd dog " why you here?" I pissed on the curtain , they gonna chop off my balls man,,, 1st dog replies "sheet! hard luck man
2nd dog asks the first dog why he is there? 1st dog replies " bit the postman, "they gonna chop of your balls .'the 2nd dog syas to the 1st. 2nd dog looks down defeated ."yeah the gonna chop off my balls"...

1st dog and the second dog look at the third dog and ask him why he is here? He starts telling them what he did ." i saw the missus was bending over getting the goods from the bottom shelf of the fridge so i jumped on that ass and starting pumping away! fucken humping and humping, ripping that pussy to pieces, doggy style , upside down ,all the styles and then eventually i bust a nut in her face.

1st and 2nd dog look at him in awe . Then eventaully they both ask ."suppose you getting your balls chopped off?" The third dog smiles and replies " No just getting my nails clipped!"
 
warpig said:
A recent survey asked if there were too many immigrants in this country.

18% answered: yes
72% answered: عفان ويؤمن نيته سريري تأسست سنين نحن
Click to expand...

What did the other 10% say?
 
I sent my girlfriend a text.

"When I get home from work I want you to give me a gobble".

"Could you be a little more romantic x?" came the reply.

"When I get home from work I want you to give me a gobble next to a candle".
 
A woman in a hot air balloon realised she was lost.
She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.'

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.

'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'

The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

’I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my bloody fault.
 
Little girl says to her Mother "Mummy, I know how babies are made"
"Really dear, how's that then?"
"Mummy and Daddy take all their clothes off. Daddies thingy sticks out a bit and he puts it in Mummies mouth and that's how u get a baby"
"No it's not dear, that's how u get jewellery, new clothes, handbags...."
 
A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday "I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs."

I said "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....",

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"

I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!"
 
united fans are all excited about robin van persie

liverpool fans are excited about robbin' van stereos
 
A bloke calls his mate, the horse breeder, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His mate asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the breeder asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the breeder picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The breeder is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the breeder grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'
 
Following their success in the original series fighting crime and social unrest in Gotham City, the original actors, Adam West and Burt Ward, were reported to make an appearance on the pitch at the Everton v ManUre game for the Rags... Unfortunately the crowd were a bit dissapointed to find they had been replaced with Fatman and Robin!
 
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