Joke thread

nTUnO.jpg
 
Paddy goes into a florists and says, "I'd like to buy a big bunch of flowers for my girlfriend."

The florist looked at him and says "Certainly Sir, what is it you're after?"

Paddy replies "A tit wank"
 
Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
 
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
 
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
 
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.
 
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to
him, "Mike--Mike."
 
"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
 
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
 
"You're not Joe. Joe just died!"
 
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
 
"Joe! Where are you?"
 
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
 
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
 
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!"
 
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
v
V
V
v
v
"You're in the team for this Saturday".
 
 
mac said:
Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
 
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
 
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
 
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.
 
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to
him, "Mike--Mike."
 
"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
 
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
 
"You're not Joe. Joe just died!"
 
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
 
"Joe! Where are you?"
 
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
 
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
 
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!"
 
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
v
V
V
v
v
"You're in the team for this Saturday".
 
Click to expand...

like it
 
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo.
The place is absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice...

"Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts...


"No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".


A bit nonplussed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.

The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again.
"No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".


Well and truly brassed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage,

"OK smart ass, you get up here and do it!"


The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold

of the mike, and starts to sing.....



"A jazz chord to say I ruv you.
 
I was laying next to my wife in bed last night and whispered, "did you know that sex can cure headaches?"

She looked at me and said, "So can paracetamol and they last four hours."


-------------


My son asked me why oysters are Aphrodisiacs."Not sure son, maybe because they smell like fannies.""Ugh, is that what mum's is like?"

"You tell me," I replied, "you were the last one near it."


--------------------

After sharing a couple of bottles of wine last night my wife turned to me and said, "Would you still love me if I was in a wheelchair and you had to look after me?"It caught me by surprise and left me feeling really awkward.


I just don't know where she got the idea that I love her.
 
I saw this beautiful winter poem and thought it might be as much comfort to you as it was to me.

Enjoy!

'Winter', by Lily jones
Age 6, Salford......



Fuck me,
it's cold!
 
My son has been offered a trial at Man United.

He's delighted. It's truly the biggest day in any young referee's career.

------------------------


A lorry driver goes on a date with a girl, afterwards they go back to her parents place, and just beginning to have sex on the couch when he feels the cold steel of a gun barrel on his neck.. Before he could turn around her father said "if ur a real lorry driver u'll be able to back out of there with a full load!!"


-------------------------


Lesbian goes for a smear test. The doctor said 2 her: "That's the cleanest vagina I've ever seen!"

"Thanks" replies the lesbian "I have a woman in twice a week!!
 
Not bad at all
mrcunny said:
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo.
The place is absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice...

"Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts...


"No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".


A bit nonplussed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.

The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again.
"No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".


Well and truly brassed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage,

"OK smart ass, you get up here and do it!"


The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold

of the mike, and starts to sing.....



"A jazz chord to say I ruv you.
Click to expand...
 
BRUVS N BLUE said:
Blue Mist said:
BRUVS N BLUE said:
a little girl cuts her hand in the playground and runs crying to the teacher,she asks the teacher for a glass of cider.
"why do you want a glass of cider"the teacher asks
"to take the pain away" sobs the little girl
"what do you mean" asks the teacher
"well" sobs the little girl , "i overheard my big sister say whenever she has a prick in her hand she cant wait to get it in cider"
Click to expand...


I nominate this as the oldest joke ever to be put on BM. Has 111 pages really shown we have run out of jokes ?
Click to expand...

here is an older one

whats the difference between a sock and a camera ,
one takes 5 toes the other takes 4 toes.
Click to expand...

and even older...

I woke up this morning to a tap on the door..................

funny sense of humour our plumber
 
My wife came in moaning,"I'm sick of you wasting your time with all these inventions! None of them fucking work anyway!"It was at that point that the "Slap-A-Cuntomatic 3000" proved her wrong.
 
Have you seen how sexually explicit the new man utd calender is ?


There's a c**t on every page.
 
I always loved my ex's fanny, the neatly trimmed hair, soft skin at the top of her thighs, her erect clitoris, her tight but wet vaginal opening..


It was the rest of the **** I couldnt stand.
 
Yoko Ono is in next years I'm a celebrity. She win it because she's been living off a dead beatle for over 30 years.
 
Robot for sale....

ROBOT For Sale
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that day.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch ?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."
Dad says,"What?
At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says,"Well he certainly is your son ."
The robot slaps the mother.
End of Story

P.S. Robot For Sale ;)

OK I'll get my coat
 
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