Joke thread

corky1970 said:
dear Deirdre

i was secretly wanking and sticking a finger up my bum as i spied on next doors teenage daughter through her upstairs window having a bath, when i spotted my wife in the door of my bedroom watching me with her arms folded and a scowl


is my wife a pervert ?
Click to expand...

This one killed me, did not expect that haha!
 
One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi."

The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me."

So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."
 
Dj1979 said:
I phoned babestation the other night and when I got through I was met with a sexy alluring voice asking me ' hey big boy what do you want me to do for you?', so I said ' hide I've lost the remote and the wife's coming down the stairs!'
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Whilst I dont expect you to have read all 160 pages to see if your joke has already been posted, checking one page back might be an idea otherwise people will think you have just nicked it from twitter or somewhere !



Just sayin'.
 
Just saw it I was only on about Page 50 about to be edited dam it beaten to the punch by less than a day
 
the mrs came home after buying an outfit for a fancy dress party
she put it on to show me
"wow" i said "thats the best killer whale costume i've ever seen"

she said

"i'm going as a nun you tw@t"
 
Might be one for the transfer forum but City are apparently lining up a bid for Carzola from Arsenal. He has something in his contract that allows him to leave at Christmas.

Its a Santi Clause.
 
Hmm, if only Africa had more mosquito nets, then we could save millions of mosquitos from dying needlessly of AIDS...
 
Teacher "Billy, if there are 5 birds on a fence & you shoot 1, how many are left?"
Billy "None, the others would fly away."
Teacher "The answer is 4 but I like the way you think."
Billy "I have a question for you Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones, 1 licking, 1 biting, & 1 sucking. Which one is married?"
Teacher nervously answers "The one sucking."
Billy "The answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think miss!"
 
tangaroa said:
I rang Babestation the other night and the woman said "Hi sexy, what can I do for you?"

I said "fucking hide! my wife is coming and I cant find the remote!!!"
Click to expand...


Well I wouldn't bother ringing that Rape Advice Line that they advertise. What a waste of time......turned out to be just for victims!
 
It was christmas eve a couple doing last minute shopping when her husband disappeared she phoned him on his mobile ,where are you, in a calm voice,he replied, darling remember the jewellery shop we went in 5 years ago , and you fell in love with that diamond necklace,that we could not afford ,and i said one day i would get it for you, her eyes filled with tears,yes i remember,she said.


Well im in the pub next door to that.
 
An old farmer wrote to
his son in prison: “this
year I wont be able to
plant potatoes because
I cant dig the field.
I know if you were here
you would help me”
The son wrote back:”
Dad don’t even think of
digging the field
because that’s where I
buried the money I
stole”
Police read the letter
and the very next day
the whole field was dug
by police looking for the
money but nothing was
found.
The next day the
son wrote again: “ Now
plant your potatoes
dad; it’s the best I can
do from here…
 
route46 said:
An old farmer wrote to
his son in prison: “this
year I wont be able to
plant potatoes because
I cant dig the field.
I know if you were here
you would help me”
The son wrote back:”
Dad don’t even think of
digging the field
because that’s where I
buried the money I
stole”
Police read the letter
and the very next day
the whole field was dug
by police looking for the
money but nothing was
found.
The next day the
son wrote again: “ Now
plant your potatoes
dad; it’s the best I can
do from here…
Click to expand...

I miss Ronnie Barker... He could stretch a joke like that out over 30 minutes.

In fact, he did.

Porridge
 
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at the Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams,
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead, let me out."
to which the smiling Vicar says "too late pal, the paperwork's already been done"
 
I just bought a Bonnie Tyler SatNav. It keeps telling me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.
 
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