Joke thread

My girlfriend was in labour with our first child. She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!"
I casually replied, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'That would hurt too much'."


A married couple staying in a hotel but only have single beds,Husband says"My Little Honey Bunch,I'm lonely wonely"
She makes her way to his bed but trips over a suitcase,
He says"Oh did my little honey bunny fall on her nosey wosey?Let me kissey wissie it all betterie wetterie"
She gets up and climbs into bed with him and they make passionate love.On her way back to her bed she falls over the suitcase again.
Her husband says "Clumsy fat ****"
 
You know what, I'm sure my hearing's getting worse. I had a row with my girlfriend in bed last night. She said something I took exception too and I snapped back "What do you mean? Don't I satisfy you anymore? Do you prefer your dildo to me?" She just stared at me blankly for a few moments before she replied "I said I'm going to Bangkok."
 
Kevin Prince Boateng is to appear in court this morning for attempted murder after he was seen kicking a football at a section of supporters yesterday.


Good news for Newcastle fans! In light of Demba Ba moving to Chelsea, Mike Ashley has said that for just £3, you can add 'stard' on to the end of your 'Ba' shirt!
 
I'm always getting strange looks from everyone because I like to have a pee with the door open.

The nosey bastards need to mind their own fooking business and pay more attention to their driving.
 
I was chatting to this woman online earlier, she said:

"So tell me, what do they call you?"

"Tripod" 'I replied.

"Oooh, why do they call you that, got a big cock have you?" She asked.

"No" I said, "I smell like tripe and I'm a bit odd."
 
I heard a rather nice story about a man who drank a lot and his wife said "if you ever come home drunk again, I'm going to leave you".

He went out to a pub and drank a lot and threw-up all over himself, and said to his friend "if I come home my wife will leave me", his friend said "I tell you what, go home and tell her somebody threw-up over you and put a twenty-pound note in your inside jacket pocket, and show it and say he gave me this for the dry-cleaning bill".

He comes home and his wife's very angry so he says "No, no, no, somebody threw-up over me, gave me twenty-pounds for the dry-cleaning bill", she said "why have you got two twenty-pound notes in your hand?".......................................


































"oh the other is from the man who shat in my pants".
 
It's been a dry week!



When Princess Di was a youngster, she took Ken and Barbie out of their dreamhouse and set them on fire.

After 20 minutes, the only thing still alight was Barbie's foot.

It seems her Ken doll burned out long before her leg end ever did.
 
I've worked out why I often cry after sex ... that's the same knife I use for the onions!




------------




I went to the bank to ask for a loan. The Manager said "Tell me your annual income, grossly."

So I said "About £20,000, you Cnut ."
 
My girlfriend said to me "I hate your obsession with football manager and if you don't change I will leave you, mark my words" to which I replied "Zonal or man-to-man?"
 
"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some spunk on the back of your jacket."

"I'm sure it's not spunk," she said, "It's probably yoghurt."

"It's definitely spunk," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."
 
BackofJeanette said:
"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some spunk on the back of your jacket."

"I'm sure it's not spunk," she said, "It's probably yoghurt."

"It's definitely spunk," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."
Click to expand...

Love it!

The joke that is, not the yoghurt or the spunk.
 
A married couple staying in a hotel but only have single beds,Husband says"My Little Honey Bunch,I'm lonely wonely"
She makes her way to his bed but trips over a suitcase,
He says"Oh did my little honey bunny fall on her nosey wosey?Let me kissey wissie it all betterie wetterie"
She gets up and climbs into bed with him and they make passionate love.On her way back to her bed she falls over the suitcase again.
Her husband says "Clumsy fat ****"
 
ColinBellsjockstrap said:
A married couple staying in a hotel but only have single beds,Husband says"My Little Honey Bunch,I'm lonely wonely"
She makes her way to his bed but trips over a suitcase,
He says"Oh did my little honey bunny fall on her nosey wosey?Let me kissey wissie it all betterie wetterie"
She gets up and climbs into bed with him and they make passionate love.On her way back to her bed she falls over the suitcase again.
Her husband says "Clumsy fat ****"
Click to expand...
It was quite funny on page 126
 
American, typical anti-Govt authority, Joke:

A Drug Enforcement Agency Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher.

"I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

"Okay, but don't go into that field over there...", the rancher replied, as he pointed to it.

The DEA Agent exploded.

"Look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!"

At that, he reaches into his back pocket and waves his DEA badge in the face of the rancher.

"See this fucking badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... anywhere, anytime, on anyone's land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized profusely, and went about his chores.

Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd get gored before he reached safety.

The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE.........SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKING BADGE!"
 
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