Joke thread

ade_akhtar said:
I farted in a lift the other day. That was wrong on so many levels.
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I shagged a Chinese bird in a lift the other day. I realise I was fucking wong on so many levels.

Is the better version. :)
 
My neighbour's just banged on my door and shouted, "Can I use your phone? There's been an accident along the road and a RAG has been run over!"
I asked him "What's wrong with your own phone?"
He said, "The camera's crap on mine"


(Stolen and adapted from another site was originally about a Mackem)
 
My wife can manipulate the muscles in her fanny so it feels like ur getting a blow job ! Which is ironic because when she manipulates the muscles in her mouth she sounds like a Cnut!




Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up next to this women who was snoring grunting and farting............ At least I got home OK!!




Its emerged the only prem manager under investigation in the match fixing probe is David Moyes. A spokesman said "how one manager can be at the same club for so long and win fuck all needs to be looked into!'



I sat down to watch a porn film last night but it was just a picture of this fat bloke wanking. Then I realised I hadn't turned the fucking telly on.!!!




My wife left me because I kept having erections in inappropriate places. Like up her sister's arse...




Some bloke just hit me over the head with a power tool.

I was minding my own business then ..........bosch!




I watched my cock go in and out , in and out ,and in and out ..

It was getting wetter and wetter ..

All I could think was ...

Get in your fucking coop it's starting to rain ..
 
I was working in Tesco last night when I bumped into the lady I just started dating. I was re-arranging the washing powder in aisle 7 when she said "oi you told me you was a stunt pilot you lying bastard!" To which I replied

"No, I told you I was part of the Ariel display team ..."
 
Me and the missus have split-up, but, we arguing who should look after our little girl. We decided that the little girl should chose who she wants to live with.

She chose her mum.

On hearing this, the sarcastic cow flicked the v's at me, and called me a loser.

So I threw a trifle in her face.





She got custardy
 
Man was driving down a motorway feeling groggy from a heavey night when his wife rang him on the hands free, "hello luv,It just said on the radio that theres one stupid coont driving the wrong way down your motorway !!! so best be careful"
The man quickly replied " one !!! theres fucking hundreds of em".<br /><br />-- Sat Feb 09, 2013 12:31 pm --<br /><br />
mammutly said:
ade_akhtar said:
A blind man and his guide dog went into a department store to do some shopping. all of a sudden, the man picked his dog up by the tail and started swinging him around in circles. A sales clerk who noticed this, rushed up to the man and said, "Sir! Is there anything I can help you with?!" to which the blind man replied, "No thanks, just looking around."
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very good
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Why dont blind people skydive.. cos it frightens their dogs.
 
County council pot hole repair

image-26_zps897fbf7c.jpg
 
woodieMCFC said:
Why did the chicken cross the road?

The farmer accidentally left the gate open, so it wandered around and happened to cross a road.
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Bloke goes into a chippy and orders meat pie, chips peas and gravy. The chip shop lady says "Sorry love, we've only got steak and kidney left."

"It's alright," says the bloke "I've got my bike outside."
 
citykev28 said:
woodieMCFC said:
Why did the chicken cross the road?

The farmer accidentally left the gate open, so it wandered around and happened to cross a road.
Click to expand...

Bloke goes into a chippy and orders meat pie, chips peas and gravy. The chip shop lady says "Sorry love, we've only got steak and kidney left."

"It's alright," says the bloke "I've got my bike outside."
Click to expand...
jMpt3.gif
 
samharris said:
Man was driving down a motorway feeling groggy from a heavey night when his wife rang him on the hands free, "hello luv,It just said on the radio that theres one stupid coont driving the wrong way down your motorway !!! so best be careful"
The man quickly replied " one !!! theres fucking hundreds of em".

-- Sat Feb 09, 2013 12:31 pm --

mammutly said:
ade_akhtar said:
A blind man and his guide dog went into a department store to do some shopping. all of a sudden, the man picked his dog up by the tail and started swinging him around in circles. A sales clerk who noticed this, rushed up to the man and said, "Sir! Is there anything I can help you with?!" to which the blind man replied, "No thanks, just looking around."
Click to expand...

very good
Click to expand...

Why dont blind people skydive.. cos it frightens their dogs.
Click to expand...

Or....when does a blind skydiver know when to open his parachute











Wait for it.....















The lead goes slack
 
Get in first, before your fucking mates do!

Apparently Joe Hart takes two bottles of Head and Shoulders in the shower,

...... in case he drops one...
 
samharris said:
citykev28 said:
Blue Mist said:
That is disgraceful, that is not a joke.........not one person has a yellow Hi Vis vest on.
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Not to mention the worrying lack of safety goggles.
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That electrical equipment doesnt look like 110 volts either.
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Bit of a strange one. The heavy duty breaker is one of the Bosch 11304 family (probably a USH27) which normally come in 110v only, yet the extension lead isn't the usual yellow (British Standard BS60309).

I suggest that this, together with the lack of high-viz as mentioned by a previous poster, would suggest that this picture was not taken in the UK and so the picture can not be an accurate reflection of the supposed bureaucracy within the UK's local council civil engineering departments.
 
Richie said:
Bit of a strange one. The heavy duty breaker is one of the Bosch 11304 family (probably a USH27) which normally come in 110v only, yet the extension lead isn't the usual yellow (British Standard BS60309).

I suggest that this, together with the lack of high-viz as mentioned by a previous poster, would suggest that this picture was not taken in the UK and so the picture can not be an accurate reflection of the supposed bureaucracy within the UK's local council civil engineering departments.
Click to expand...
Never mind all that nonsense; where's the bloody kettle and the packet of biccies?
 
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. I thought that's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier
I think.


A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part
in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking
part."


After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.

A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going..... The driver won £52!
 
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