Joke thread

Following tests after the Southampton and Man City game, it has been revealed that parts of the City team were found to contain 100% donkey.



My new girlfriend seeing my cock for the first time said, "It's like a Findus Lasagne!"

"You mean I'm hung like a horse?" I smiled.

"No, it's covered in cheese."





"Why don't you shave all your pubes off, love?" she said, handing me the razor. "It will make your cock look massive."

Bit forward, I thought, for a vasectomy nurse.




Tonight's the night I get to try anal for the first tine ..

That's the beauty of being a rapist, you can plan ahead with 100 percent certainty..
 
I told my grown up kids,Its time to watch what they eat.So they bought Tickets for this years Grand National.
Just opened a packet of Tesco Burgers and there off.
 
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved cricket all our lives,

and we played cricket on Saturdays together for so many years.

Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven,

somehow you must let me know if there's cricket there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike,

you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible,

I'll try to do this for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later,

Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of

white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news, but

a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first ," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's cricket in heaven.

Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too.

Better than that, we're all young again.

Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows.

And best of all, we can play cricket all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're Captain on Sunday."
 
I sat down to watch a porn film last night but it was just a fat bloke wanking. Then I realised I hadn't turned the fuckin telly on!!
 
Got the wife a pug dog as a present the other day..... Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat. The dog seems to like her!!
 
Flipping hell its pancake day today!...really creped up on me this year....not that i give a toss!




Not sure if it classifies as a joke or not...
 
What's a 9 volt battery and a girl's ring piece got in common?















Even though you know it's wrong you're going to touch it with your tongue.
 
A deaf old man wasn't feeling too good so he went to the doctors for a check up. He took his mrs so she could explain what the doctor was saying. After a thorough examination, the doc says,"well I can't find anything wrong with you but I'll need some samples off you and run some tests. I'll need a sample of your blood, your sweat, your piss, your shit and your jizz."
The old man turns to his mrs and says, "what did he say?"
She says, " he wants you to give him your underpants".
 
r.soleofsalford said:
I found it very hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
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You heretic!

On the anniversary of the Hokey Cokey man's death!

Didn't you know his funeral last 8 hours? All those shennanigans with his left leg and the coffin, I thought it'd never end.
 
Paddy sets Murphy up on a blind date, Paddy says "she's a lovely girl". But there's something you need to know, she's expecting a baby. "Next day paddy asked Murphy how he went on" Alright said Murphy apart from she was an hour late and I felt a right twat sat at the end of the bar in just a nappy.
 
The Pope visits Ireland and asks a local what he thinks of County Down. "It's been shite since Carol Vorderman left" he replied.
 
I was standing in a bar and this little Chinese guy comes in the pub, stands next to me and starts drinking. I said to him "do you know any of those martial arts things like Lung-fu Karate or ju-jitsu? He says, No why the fook you ask me that? Is it because i`m Chinese? No i said it`s because you`re drinking my pint you little coont.
 
jimharri said:
citykev28 said:
woodieMCFC said:
Why did the chicken cross the road?

The farmer accidentally left the gate open, so it wandered around and happened to cross a road.
Click to expand...

Bloke goes into a chippy and orders meat pie, chips peas and gravy. The chip shop lady says "Sorry love, we've only got steak and kidney left."

"It's alright," says the bloke "I've got my bike outside."
Click to expand...
jMpt3.gif
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That sums up my reaction. I'm going to need that one explaining.
 
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