Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
woodieMCFC
Well-Known Member
mrcunny said:
Hahahahaha
happy daze
Well-Known Member
His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.
"May I ask you a question my Lord?"
"Go ahead Carson" said his Lordship. "I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on"
"What word is that?" said his Lordship. "Aplomb" my Lord.
"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self assurance or complete composure" "Thank you my Lord, but I'm still a little confused".
"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us."
"I remember the occasion very well , my Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
"Also", continued the Earl of Grantham, " do you remember Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"
"I was present on that occasion, my Lord, ministering to their needs"
"While plucking the rose a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply" Carson replied, "I witnessed the incident my Lord and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."
"That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore, Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender."
"Yes my Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening." "The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will with a loud voice,"
"Darling does your prick still throb?
And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! Now that is aplomb!
"May I ask you a question my Lord?"
"Go ahead Carson" said his Lordship. "I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on"
"What word is that?" said his Lordship. "Aplomb" my Lord.
"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self assurance or complete composure" "Thank you my Lord, but I'm still a little confused".
"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us."
"I remember the occasion very well , my Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
"Also", continued the Earl of Grantham, " do you remember Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"
"I was present on that occasion, my Lord, ministering to their needs"
"While plucking the rose a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply" Carson replied, "I witnessed the incident my Lord and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."
"That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore, Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender."
"Yes my Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening." "The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will with a loud voice,"
"Darling does your prick still throb?
And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! Now that is aplomb!
Zuriblue
Well-Known Member
Pain makes you stronger
Tears make you braver
Heartache makes you wiser
And Vodka makes you forget all that shit.
Tears make you braver
Heartache makes you wiser
And Vodka makes you forget all that shit.
pfazz
Well-Known Member
<a class="postlink" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=rPosiN5FmoU" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;">http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=pl ... PosiN5FmoU</a>
jimharri
Moderator
The 3 women in Ohio held captive for 10 years have been interviewed live on CNN news. All 3 had the same question ....
Have Arsenal won anything yet?
Have Arsenal won anything yet?
Bluemoon dan
Well-Known Member
hertsblue said:
Oh my god! I shouldn't have but I laughed.
Paddy is stopped by
customs at the airport, carrying two large bulky sacks over his shoulder. They search the sacks & find loads of mobile phones in them. They ask why does he have all these phones & Paddy replies, "well, oi was on me travels in America &
got a call from me mate murphy in Cork & he told me he's starting up a jazz band & asked could I bring him back 2 saxophones?
customs at the airport, carrying two large bulky sacks over his shoulder. They search the sacks & find loads of mobile phones in them. They ask why does he have all these phones & Paddy replies, "well, oi was on me travels in America &
got a call from me mate murphy in Cork & he told me he's starting up a jazz band & asked could I bring him back 2 saxophones?
happy daze
Well-Known Member
Operation Yewtree has been adopted by the irish police....
Whenever they arrest three offenders.
Whenever they arrest three offenders.
crazyg
Well-Known Member
A guy gets stopped at Manchester Airport on the way back from a trip to Las Vegas.
Customs: what have you got in your case?
Guy: Shit!
Customs: Don't be a smart arse, what's in your case?
Guy: I've told you, shit!
Customs: Final chance pal, what's in your case?
Guy: Final time, shit!
On opening the case, the custom's officer found it to be full of - you've guessed it, SHIT!!
Customs: You dirty bastard, where did you get this?
Guy: Won it in a crap game!!
Customs: what have you got in your case?
Guy: Shit!
Customs: Don't be a smart arse, what's in your case?
Guy: I've told you, shit!
Customs: Final chance pal, what's in your case?
Guy: Final time, shit!
On opening the case, the custom's officer found it to be full of - you've guessed it, SHIT!!
Customs: You dirty bastard, where did you get this?
Guy: Won it in a crap game!!
ali benarbia's studs
Well-Known Member
went for a job interview a few days ago, the interviewer asked me what i thought my weaknesses were? i said "honesty"...... he started to laugh and say "well how would you think honesty is a weakness,i think it is a great quality in a person ". i said: "i don t give a fuck what you think!"
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from
8 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10 a.m., and plan on starting at 10 a.m. every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., why don't you want me here until 10 a.m.?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from
8 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10 a.m., and plan on starting at 10 a.m. every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., why don't you want me here until 10 a.m.?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
hackneyslim
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 24 Jul 2008
- Messages
- 1,732
What do you call the fat around a clitoris?
The wife.
The wife.