Joke thread

I've just taken my grandad to one of those fancy spas where tiny little fish eat all the dead skin. It cost £35 but was still cheaper than a funeral.
 
A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging
a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep
of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what
he wanted.

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the
money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she
told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls
have any diseases?'

Of course the Madam said 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots
after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it,
the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten
minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam,
and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in
the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents
are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just
happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease
that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby
sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to
bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk,
have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who
ran over my FROG!'
 
2sheikhs said:
I've just taken my grandad to one of those fancy spas where tiny little fish eat all the dead skin. It cost £35 but was still cheaper than a funeral.
Click to expand...

^Are you here all week?
 
Norman Stanley Fletcher said:
A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging
a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep
of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what
he wanted.

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the
money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she
told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls
have any diseases?'

Of course the Madam said 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots
after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it,
the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten
minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam,
and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in
the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents
are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just
happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease
that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby
sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to
bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk,
have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who
ran over my FROG!'
Click to expand...



thoroughly enjoyed
 
brass neck said:
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note.

Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple!
Click to expand...

Take a bow! Had me in stitches!
 
Last night when i came out the pub, a horse asked me if I was planning on driving home? Although come to think of it, there might have been a policeman on top of it. :)
 
If you kill yourself, it's called suicide.
If you kill someone else, it's called homicide.
If you kill thousands, it's called genocide.
If you kill the king, It's called regicide.
If you kill your brother, it's called fratricide.

And if you have two Premier League teams, and neither have won the league for over 20 years, it's called....
.
.
.
.
.
.
MERSEYSIDE
 
Ken Dodd is the latest celebrity to get caught up in the Jimmy Savile affair.
A woman of South American origin has claimed that Ken Dodd raped her 25 years ago when she paid a visit to Liverpool.
"And I have a son to prove it". Said Mrs Suarez.
 
what is black with a great set of tits?

Angelina Jolie's bin bag<br /><br />-- Wed May 22, 2013 11:56 am --<br /><br />A man and wife are in the maternity ward after giving birth and the doctor comes in and says he has good news and bad news

The bloke goes “blimey - what’s the bad news?
The doctor says “your wife has given birth to a ginger son”

The bloke goes “blimey - what’s the good news?”



The doctor says “it’s dead
 
mrcunny said:
what is black with a great set of tits?

Angelina Jolie's bin bag

-- Wed May 22, 2013 11:56 am --

A man and wife are in the maternity ward after giving birth and the doctor comes in and says he has good news and bad news

The bloke goes “blimey - what’s the bad news?
The doctor says “your wife has given birth to a ginger son”

The bloke goes “blimey - what’s the good news?”



The doctor says “it’s dead
Click to expand...

Laughed at both. There's now a place in hell reserved for me.
 
David Cameron has called a Cobra meeting after the Woolwich attack.

Is this really the time to be sat around drinking Indian beer?
 
mrcunny said:
David Cameron has called a Cobra meeting after the Woolwich attack.

Is this really the time to be sat around drinking Indian beer?
Click to expand...

single-tumbleweed-o.gif


Come on you can do better than that! 2/10
 
CTID1988 said:
mrcunny said:
David Cameron has called a Cobra meeting after the Woolwich attack.

Is this really the time to be sat around drinking Indian beer?
Click to expand...

single-tumbleweed-o.gif


Come on you can do better than that! 2/10
Click to expand...

I can mate..but it was one of those i cant be arsed..
 
I pulled a heavy duty munter down the boozer last night.

Fuck me, she looked like she'd been ducking for apples in a chip pan, had more hands up her than sooty...been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe, a face that would make an onion cry, so big I could ride her into battle. Seen more japs eyes than an oriental optician, a face like a stuntmans knee, a fanny like a yawning donkey, so ugly even a sniper wouldn't take her out, a pair of flaps like a gutted trout and been cocked more times than elmer fudds shotgun.

Still, at the end of the day a shags a shag.
 
A bloke bought a new Mercedes and was out on the motorway for an evening spin. It was a gloriously hot sunny evening, the top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. ''They'll never catch me,'' he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. ''What in hell am I doing?'' he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word and examined it and the car. ''I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!'' he said.
''Last week my wife ran off with a cop,'' the man said, ''and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!''

''Have a nice night,'' said the officer.
 
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