Joke thread

A blonde is sitting watching the eveining news with her boyfriend. The news headline begins; "Two Brazilian men have died in a mining accident today". At hearing this, the girl becomes quite upset and begins crying.

"That's the most awful thing I've ever heard", she sobs.

Her boyfriend, quite moved by her empathy consoles her...

"How many millions are there in a brazilian?", she asks him...
 
jimharri said:
A blonde is sitting watching the eveining news with her boyfriend. The news headline begins; "Two Brazilian men have died in a mining accident today". At hearing this, the girl becomes quite upset and begins crying.

"That's the most awful thing I've ever heard", she sobs.

Her boyfriend, quite moved by her empathy consoles her...

"How many millions are there in a brazilian?", she asks him...

Bwahahahahaha!!!
 
Saw a dwarf carrying a TV back to his car earlier."Jesus," I said, "Can you manage that Plasma Telly ok on yer own mate?""Ha ha ha, you cheeky fucker!" he said, "It's a Kindle!"
 
At the nursing home, Earl and Joyce had struck up a romantic relationship. Since both of them were in their eighties, their physical contact was rather limited. However, every evening as they sat together on the sofa, Joyce would unzip Earl's fly, pull out his penis and hold it in her hand for twenty minutes. This satisfied the two of them adequately.
One day, Earl told Joyce it was all off. He told her he was leaving her for Betty - one of the other old dears at the nursing home. Naturally, Joyce was a little miffed.
"Heavens! What's she got that I haven't got?'' she asks.
''Parkinson's,'' said Earl
 
jimharri said:
At the nursing home, Earl and Joyce had struck up a romantic relationship. Since both of them were in their eighties, their physical contact was rather limited. However, every evening as they sat together on the sofa, Joyce would unzip Earl's fly, pull out his penis and hold it in her hand for twenty minutes. This satisfied the two of them adequately.
One day, Earl told Joyce it was all off. He told her he was leaving her for Betty - one of the other old dears at the nursing home. Naturally, Joyce was a little miffed.
"Heavens! What's she got that I haven't got?'' she asks.
''Parkinson's,'' said Earl



tumblr_lbxfprnrm21qcqlp3.jpg
 
I hate living in this fear of not knowing if you're going to be attacked, stabbed, even killed for reasons and beliefs that are totally beyond us.
Fucking PMT.
 
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." The golfer walks off.

"'What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself.

" I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back on the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here" the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers,"I'm an internationally famous golfer now". He adds,"By the way, it's good to see you're all right".

"Oh, I'm fine now, thank you".

" I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states,"when I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out €100 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also, and tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,and says shyly, "It's OK".

"C'mon, c'mon now" urged the Leprechaun,"'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. " How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,"Once, sometimes twice a week".

"What !" responds the Leprechaun in shock."That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

"Well", says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish".
 
I saw my dwarf neighbour standing at the bus stop today, so I stopped and said "jump in, I'll take you home". "Fuck off ya prick!" he replied. I said "fine, suit yourself you ungrateful little bastard!".. . . . . . . So I zipped up my rucksack and kept on walking !
 
Pretty interesting--I did know this.

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO A LOT OF YOU,
BUT THERE ARE MORE CHURCHES THAN CASINOS IN LAS VEGAS

NOT SURPRISINGLY,SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED

SINCE THEY GET THEIR CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS,
THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERYFOR SORTING,AND THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.




THIS IS DONE BY CHIP MONKS.






Oh I'm sorry,you did'nt see it coming,did you?
 
This guy walks into a bar and sees a man sitting having a pint with a chimpanzee.
After a while the guy sparks up a conversation with him and asks him about the chimp.
The man goes on to say that the chimp gives the greatest blow jobs he has ever had but he has to sell the primate and asks the guy if he is interested ?
The guy asks how much is he selling the chimp for and is told two thousand euros.
The guy says he is interested but can he have a demonstration as it's a lot of money ?
The man obliges so the chimp and the guy disappear to the toilets for quarter of an hour.
The guy comes out beaming and runs to the cashpoint and buys the chimp off the man.
After a few more pints, the guy takes the chimp home and shows off his new purchase to his wife.
She asks him ''what the hell am I supposed to do with this monkey'' ?
The man replies 'teach it to cook, then fuck off'.
 
A 75-year-old man goes to confession and tells the priest "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I had sex last night with two 20-year-old girls,and I had sex with each one three times"
The priest asks "How long has it been since your last confession?"
The man says "I have never been to confession,I'm Jewish"
"So why are you telling me?" asked the priest.
The man says"I'm telling everybody"
 
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?', asked one detective.
'With a golf gun.', the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What's a fecking golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
 
Squelch said:
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?', asked one detective.
'With a golf gun.', the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What's a fecking golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
Get out.
 
Bluemoon115 said:
Squelch said:
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?', asked one detective.
'With a golf gun.', the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What's a fecking golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
Get out.

I agreed.

Oh and don't ever, ever come back.
 
Squelch said:
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?', asked one detective.
'With a golf gun.', the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What's a fecking golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'


its that bloody scouse humour, I can just imagine Jimmy Tarbuck telling that
 
mrcunny said:
I saw my dwarf neighbour standing at the bus stop today, so I stopped and said "jump in, I'll take you home". "Fuck off ya prick!" he replied. I said "fine, suit yourself you ungrateful little bastard!".. . . . . . . So I zipped up my rucksack and kept on walking !

Haha that's brilliant.
 

Don't have an account? Register now and see fewer ads!

SIGN UP
Back
Top