Joke thread

A tramp walks into a jewellers, puts his hands down his trousers and starts fingering his arsehole. The sales assistant shouts at him "Stop what you're doing and get out"
The tramp says "You want to make your fucking minds up, you've got a sign on the window that says come inside and pick your ring in comfort"
 
I walked in on my wife today having a heart attack.

"Pound my chest for me, quickly," she groaned.

"Normally I would," I said, "But is this really the time for a titwank?"
 
mrcunny said:
In the gym yesterday i said to the trainer,
"Which machine can I use to impress that sexy blonde"
He looked at me & said
"The cash machine you fat bastard"
Click to expand...

I was in the gym tonight & I noticed a hole in the bottom of my trainer thats big enough to put my finger in and wiggle it around.




She was quite upset & called the police.
 
A pig walks into the bar and asks for a pitcher of beer. He drank it all then asked the bartender where the bathroom is. Bartender replies "down the hall and to the left".

Another pig walks into the bar and orders 2 pitchers of beer. He finishes them off and then asks where the bathroom is. The bartender replies "down the hall and to the left".

Another pig walks into the bar and orders 3 pitchers of beer. Finishing them off he was just going to stand up when the bartender asks him "well aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?" The pig replies " no, I am going to go wee wee wee all the way home."
 
A pirate walked into a bar, and the publican said,

"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a
cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The publican replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook?

What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and
got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook
but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds
flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."


"You're kidding," said the publican.
"You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."


"It was my first day with the hook."
 
fella walks into a bookshop , assistant asks
do you like kipling
customer replies
dunno luv, i,ve never kippled
 
Guy goes into a bookshop, assistant asks
'Do you like Tolkien?'
Guy replies 'Don't know, never Tolkied before'
 
Two guys go into a brothel. The madam asks
'Do you lads want dick-ins?
One lad replies
'Never read his books before'
 
Bloke walks into a bookshop and the assistants says 'Do you like Roald Dahl' To which he replies 'no, I prefer Tarka Dahl'


giv me my mo fukin coat.
 
smeeagain said:
fella walks into a bookshop , assistant asks
do you like kipling
customer replies
dunno luv, i,ve never kippled
Click to expand...
Bloke walks in to a book shop, assistant asks
Do you like Kipling
Customer replies
Yes they are exceedingly good.
 
^^Enough with these 'jokes'.

tense.gif
 
Oohvonkyvonky said:
A fella walks into a bookshop & the assistant comes over.
'Do you like Chickens?' she asks
'Don't know' he says 'never been to one'.
Click to expand...

Why did the turkey cross the road twice?

To prove he wasn't chicken.
 
davymcfc said:
smeeagain said:
fella walks into a bookshop , assistant asks
do you like kipling
customer replies
dunno luv, i,ve never kippled
Click to expand...
Bloke walks in to a book shop, assistant asks
Do you like Kipling
Customer replies
Yes they are exceedingly good.
Click to expand...

Brilliant Davy.

Bloke walks into a record shop, assistant asks
"do you like Charlene?"
Bloke replies, "I don't know I've never been to me."
 
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