Joke thread

I walked into HMV and asked the assistant if he had anything by the doors....

Yes he replied...a bucket of sand and a fire blanket !



I rang a local builder today and said " i want a skip"

"I'm not stopping you" he replied
 
The wife was nagging me for ages to put a shelf up in the front room, but as I am shit at DIY I thought that I should get some advice. So I went to the library and asked the woman there, " do you have any books on shelves?".
She just laughed at me.
 
Cheese Butty said:
The wife was nagging me for ages to put a shelf up in the front room, but as I am shit at DIY I thought that I should get some advice. So I went to the library and asked the woman there, " do you have any books on shelves?".
She just laughed at me.
Click to expand...

Well, you only have yourshelf to blame.
 
manchester blue said:
Cheese Butty said:
The wife was nagging me for ages to put a shelf up in the front room, but as I am shit at DIY I thought that I should get some advice. So I went to the library and asked the woman there, " do you have any books on shelves?".
She just laughed at me.
Click to expand...

Well, you only have yourshelf to blame.
Click to expand...
I went to the library and asked the assistant if she had a book all about suicide. She said "fuck off, you won't bring it back!"
 
Phil Meup said:
A fella walks into a bookshop & the assistant comes over.
'Do you like Dickens?' she asks
'Don't know' he says 'never been to one'.
Click to expand...

This is a joke that would be told at a dinner party by men called Charlie.

"oh jolly good joke Charlie, a real ripper"

AKA I dont get it
 
A man goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is visiting me this friday, my ex-wife is due to arrive on saturday and my wife is due back after visiting her mother on sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

The doctor replies, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."

The man says, "You have a deal Doc."

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling. The doctor asks, "What happened to you?"

The man answered, "Nobody showed up!"
 
jimharri said:
A man goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is visiting me this friday, my ex-wife is due to arrive on saturday and my wife is due back after visiting her mother on sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

The doctor replies, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."

The man says, "You have a deal Doc."

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling. The doctor asks, "What happened to you?"

The man answered, "Nobody showed up!"
Click to expand...

thats a cracker
 
jimharri said:
A man goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is visiting me this friday, my ex-wife is due to arrive on saturday and my wife is due back after visiting her mother on sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

The doctor replies, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."

The man says, "You have a deal Doc."

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling. The doctor asks, "What happened to you?"

The man answered, "Nobody showed up!"
Click to expand...

Some of the best jokes come from Norn Iron.
 
citykev28 said:
jimharri said:
A man goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is visiting me this friday, my ex-wife is due to arrive on saturday and my wife is due back after visiting her mother on sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

The doctor replies, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."

The man says, "You have a deal Doc."

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling. The doctor asks, "What happened to you?"

The man answered, "Nobody showed up!"
Click to expand...

Some of the best jokes come from Norn Iron.
Click to expand...
ohu.gif
 
A policeman on a horse stopped a little girl and said, "did father christmas get you that bike?"
"Yes", she said.
He said, "well next year, tell him to get you some lights and reflectors", and gave her an on the spot fine.
She said, "did father christmas give you that horse?"
"Yes", he said.
She said, "well next year, tell him the cock goes underneath the horse, not on top".
 
A policeman ran towards me and said, "What happened?"
I told him: "A Man Utd fan fell in the river."
He asked: "Did you not help him?"
I replied: "I was going to but then he just fell in by himself."
 
I've just heard a lorry driver has shed his load on the M6.

If I could only drive at 56 miles per hour I'd probably have an occasional wank too.
 
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