Alex the Blue
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 14 Sep 2010
- Messages
- 1,276
I can't stand those Russian dolls, they're full of themselves
Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
jimharri
Moderator
There are three types of people in this world...those who can count and those who can't.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am indeed here all week.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am indeed here all week.
foetus
Well-Known Member
jimharri said:
TheBlueDune
Well-Known Member
There are 10 types of peoplejimharri said:
Those who understand binary and those who don't
Ventriloquist approaches his agent and complains about lack of work. His agent replies "Well, your a bit out of date now, why don't you change course, become a Medium and hold séances, very popular at the moment." So off he goes on a crash Mediums course and one month later sets up shop on the High Street. His first customer is an old lady.
Med. Yes Madam, what can we do for you?
O.L. Well its about my Jack, he died six months ago and ooh, I do miss 'im. I'd like to get in touch with 'im.
Med. No problem madam, we should be able to help you there, we have the £10 séance, the £15 séance, or the luxury £25 séance.
O.L. Well I haven't got much money, what do I get for £10?
Med. For £10 madam, you ask me a question, I ask Jack, he replies to me and I tell you the answer.
O.L. Oh dear, that sounds a bit impersonal, what do I get for £15?
Med. For £15, you ask me a question, I ask Jack, and he replies directly to you, in his own voice, in this very room.
O.L. Oh that's much better, I think I'll go for that, but can you just tell me what I would get for£25?
Med. Well madam for £25 you get our full luxury séance, where you ask me a question, I ask Jack, and he replies directly to you in his own voice, in this very room, whilst I drink a glass of water.
Med. Yes Madam, what can we do for you?
O.L. Well its about my Jack, he died six months ago and ooh, I do miss 'im. I'd like to get in touch with 'im.
Med. No problem madam, we should be able to help you there, we have the £10 séance, the £15 séance, or the luxury £25 séance.
O.L. Well I haven't got much money, what do I get for £10?
Med. For £10 madam, you ask me a question, I ask Jack, he replies to me and I tell you the answer.
O.L. Oh dear, that sounds a bit impersonal, what do I get for £15?
Med. For £15, you ask me a question, I ask Jack, and he replies directly to you, in his own voice, in this very room.
O.L. Oh that's much better, I think I'll go for that, but can you just tell me what I would get for£25?
Med. Well madam for £25 you get our full luxury séance, where you ask me a question, I ask Jack, and he replies directly to you in his own voice, in this very room, whilst I drink a glass of water.
Zuriblue
Well-Known Member
The incoming Syriza government in Greece have stated that their first concern is to ensure that Taramasalata & Tzatziki production remains stable during the transition period.
They really don't want a double dip recession..
They really don't want a double dip recession..
BigJoe#1
Well-Known Member
In a tragic accident Manuel Pellegrini and SAF are both killed and go to heaven. They decide to go up together and keep each other company along the way.
When they arrive St Peter meets them both at the gate and welcomes them both in.
SAF decides he should be dealt with first and St Peter takes him to a lovely mansion decked out in red and white and with piped music playing "glory Glory man Utd" and "Take Me Home East Lancs Road" and there are videos on loop of the Champions League win.... and he is very satisfied.
When St Peter leaves him he goes for a walk and he sees this magnificent castle og the hillside, all sky blue and white, sun shining and the golden statues of Francis Lee! Colin Bell and Bert Trautman (the three he can see) are glistening. There is a huge screen playing City's Cup victories and showing Agueros goal back in May 2012. There is music blasting out "boys in blue" and Bluemoon. It is a fantastic spectacle miles better than what he has.
So, off he goes to find St Peter, and when he does find him he demands WHY THE FUCK HAS PELLEGRINI GOT A BETTER PLACE THAN ME..? ITS JUST NOT RIGHT AND I'M GOING TO COMPLAIN TO THE TOP MAN.
St Peter casually turns around to him and says that's not Pellegrini's place.... It's gods!
Boom Boom tish... Well I thought it epwas funny.
When they arrive St Peter meets them both at the gate and welcomes them both in.
SAF decides he should be dealt with first and St Peter takes him to a lovely mansion decked out in red and white and with piped music playing "glory Glory man Utd" and "Take Me Home East Lancs Road" and there are videos on loop of the Champions League win.... and he is very satisfied.
When St Peter leaves him he goes for a walk and he sees this magnificent castle og the hillside, all sky blue and white, sun shining and the golden statues of Francis Lee! Colin Bell and Bert Trautman (the three he can see) are glistening. There is a huge screen playing City's Cup victories and showing Agueros goal back in May 2012. There is music blasting out "boys in blue" and Bluemoon. It is a fantastic spectacle miles better than what he has.
So, off he goes to find St Peter, and when he does find him he demands WHY THE FUCK HAS PELLEGRINI GOT A BETTER PLACE THAN ME..? ITS JUST NOT RIGHT AND I'M GOING TO COMPLAIN TO THE TOP MAN.
St Peter casually turns around to him and says that's not Pellegrini's place.... It's gods!
Boom Boom tish... Well I thought it epwas funny.
A museum visitor was admiring a Tyrannosaurus fossil, and asked a nearby museum employee how old it was.
“That skeleton’s sixty-five million and three years, two months and eighteen days old,” the employee replied. “How can you know it that well?” she asked. “Well, when I started working here, I asked a scientist the exact same question, and he said it was sixty-five million years old—and that was three years, two months and eighteen days ago.”
“That skeleton’s sixty-five million and three years, two months and eighteen days old,” the employee replied. “How can you know it that well?” she asked. “Well, when I started working here, I asked a scientist the exact same question, and he said it was sixty-five million years old—and that was three years, two months and eighteen days ago.”
jimharri
Moderator
A store has just opened that offers free husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the following instructions:
“You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors to choose from. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"
A woman goes to the store to find a husband.
She walks in and on the 1st floor door a sign reads "Floor 1 - These men have steady jobs."
She reads the sign and decides to go up to the second floor to see if they have anything better.
The 2nd floor sign reads "Floor 2 - These men have steady jobs and love children."
She thinks to herself that she can do better, so she walks up the stairs to the next floor.
The 3rd floor sign reads "Floor 3 - These men have steady jobs, love children and are extremely good looking."
“Wow,” she thinks, but she decides to keep going. She walks up to the 4th floor and the sign reads
"Floor 4 - These men have steady jobs, love children, are extremely good looking and help out with the housework"
She can barely contain her excitement, but she goes to the 5th floor and the sign reads
"Floor 5 - These men have steady jobs, love children, are extremely good looking, help out with the housework and are very romantic(will **** you good)"
She is so tempted to stay, but she knows that the next floor has to be the best yet. She walks up to the 6th floor and the sign reads
"Floor 6 - You are visitor 62,985,471 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that you are impossible to please. Please take a complimentary cat on the way out."
However, in the interest of gender balance, the store's owner opened a New ‘Wives’ store just across the street, operating under the same rules.
The first floor has wives who love sex.
The second floor has wives who love sex, have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited
“You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors to choose from. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"
A woman goes to the store to find a husband.
She walks in and on the 1st floor door a sign reads "Floor 1 - These men have steady jobs."
She reads the sign and decides to go up to the second floor to see if they have anything better.
The 2nd floor sign reads "Floor 2 - These men have steady jobs and love children."
She thinks to herself that she can do better, so she walks up the stairs to the next floor.
The 3rd floor sign reads "Floor 3 - These men have steady jobs, love children and are extremely good looking."
“Wow,” she thinks, but she decides to keep going. She walks up to the 4th floor and the sign reads
"Floor 4 - These men have steady jobs, love children, are extremely good looking and help out with the housework"
She can barely contain her excitement, but she goes to the 5th floor and the sign reads
"Floor 5 - These men have steady jobs, love children, are extremely good looking, help out with the housework and are very romantic(will **** you good)"
She is so tempted to stay, but she knows that the next floor has to be the best yet. She walks up to the 6th floor and the sign reads
"Floor 6 - You are visitor 62,985,471 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that you are impossible to please. Please take a complimentary cat on the way out."
However, in the interest of gender balance, the store's owner opened a New ‘Wives’ store just across the street, operating under the same rules.
The first floor has wives who love sex.
The second floor has wives who love sex, have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited
chris63
Well-Known Member
I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?”
He said, “I'm off to change a light bulb.”
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,
“That's gonna be a bit awkward init?”
“Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”
I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?”
He said, “I'm off to change a light bulb.”
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,
“That's gonna be a bit awkward init?”
“Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”
chris63
Well-Known Member
Sold my collection of glove puppets to a collector earlier.
He made an offer to take them off my hands.
This morning, as I stood naked looking in the Mirror, I thought to myself:
"Any second now I'm gonna get chucked out of this newsagents."
He made an offer to take them off my hands.
This morning, as I stood naked looking in the Mirror, I thought to myself:
"Any second now I'm gonna get chucked out of this newsagents."
chris63
Well-Known Member
I was depressed last night so I called a self-help phone line.
Got a call centre in Afghanistan, and told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
_________________
Got a call centre in Afghanistan, and told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
_________________
chris63
Well-Known Member
I invented the sandal for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
It was a flop.
lazza
Well-Known Member
mad4city said:
Descartes walks into a bar and orders a pint.
"Do you want any crisps with that?" asks the barman.
"I think not" said Descartes, and promptly disappeared
chris63
Well-Known Member
The inventor of the red card has died...
He had a good send off
He had a good send off
chris63
Well-Known Member
The inventor of the time machine has died...
His funeral's last week.
His funeral's last week.
chris63
Well-Known Member
A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
"Excuse me do I know you?" he asks.
"Yes, I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says, "Fooking hell, are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate whipped me, and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?"
"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher!"
"Excuse me do I know you?" he asks.
"Yes, I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says, "Fooking hell, are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate whipped me, and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?"
"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher!"
Squelch
Well-Known Member
As part of a school project on cultural diversity, my friend's son invited a local Korean family round for dinner.
The school believe it's the first case ever of the homework eating the dog.
The school believe it's the first case ever of the homework eating the dog.