Joke thread

A pensioner shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No', he replied, 'arthritis'.
 
So there I was sitting in a bar in Glasgow when I spotted a shapely lass with intricately inked tattoos of flowers on her shoulder.
She saw me looking and it was at this point that I discovered that saying ,"Nice tatts ",
means something entirely different when spoken in Glasgow as her burly 6'2 partner marched aggressively towards me.....
 
Once worked as a roofer and got caught masturbating on my first day

Turned out alright, the boss said I could wipe the slate clean.
 
A boy in China...

...was born with fifteen fingers and sixteen toes

What does this mean?

Not much apart from he'll be the fastest worker in the iphone factory.
 
So here's a story...

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking my glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend.

Apparantly they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, leaving me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?
 
foetus said:
So here's a story...

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking my glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend.

Apparantly they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, leaving me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?
Click to expand...
fucking shit :)

back in the Egyptian times when the slaves misbehaved they were strapped to a big rock and a huge gong was rolled onto his chest all the while the other slaves would sing
were rolling a gong on the chest of a slave :)
 
foetus said:
So here's a story...

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking my glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend.

Apparantly they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, leaving me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?
Click to expand...

I don't get it.
 
foetus said:
So here's a story...

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking my glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend.

Apparantly they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, leaving me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?
Click to expand...

Predicted the punchline after the second paragraph, decent joke though.
 
peace frog said:
fucking shit :)

back in the Egyptian times when the slaves misbehaved they were strapped to a big rock and a huge gong was rolled onto his chest all the while the other slaves would sing
were rolling a gong on the chest of a slave :)
Click to expand...
Also shit ;)

So Crazy Horse and Sitting Bull are watching troopers in the distance boiling large pots of brown liquid
and tipping it over some sheds near the railroad. ''What dey doin?' says Crazy Horse.
''Huts! old railway huts!
De cavalry take 'em an dey cover dem with chocolate!
 
Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the plain, when over the horizon a large group of Apache's are bearing down upon them
The Lone Ranger shouts "Apache's to the West, ride to the East"
So they turn and head to the East, when another group of Apache's appear.
The Lone Ranger shouts "Apache's to the East, ride to the South"
So they turn and head to the South and another group of Apache's appear.
The Lone Ranger shouts "Apache's to the South, ride to the North"
They turn and head to the North and yet another group of Apache's appear.
The Lone Ranger shouts "We're surrounded Tonto, what do we do?"
Tonto replied "fuck off paleface"
 
b310a86642ce34af431e27365c6ffb19.jpg
 
The Pink Panther said:
Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the plain, when over the horizon a large group of Apache's are bearing down upon them
The Lone Ranger shouts "Apache's to the West, ride to the East"
So they turn and head to the East, when another group of Apache's appear.
The Lone Ranger shouts "Apache's to the East, ride to the South"
So they turn and head to the South and another group of Apache's appear.
The Lone Ranger shouts "Apache's to the South, ride to the North"
They turn and head to the North and yet another group of Apache's appear.
The Lone Ranger shouts "We're surrounded Tonto, what do we do?"
Tonto replied "fuck off paleface"
Click to expand...
I don't get it. Apache's what? Tent? Squaw? Horse? Mobile phone?

We should be told!
 
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