When was the last time you soiled yourself?

thats an awsome story. a couple of years ago i was in bed about to go to work thought i would do a fart and i just shat everywhere. decided not to go in that day.
 
Well done De Niro, you are indeed the best Mod in the land and all the world.

I am going to start a campaign to have this thread installed as a Classic.

If you like the thread, click on the "report" button (the red exclaimation mark) and instert the text "I believe the poo thread is a classic".
 
about a year ago me and my mate were having a little underage drink on the park, we were both pissed then we thought we'd go get high to, i then realised that i was pissed enough and didnt need to risk feeling like shit after smoking to much on top of drinking, he smoked a shit load of it but seemed fine then 15minutes later he starts throwing up and says i need a shit, he was ratarsed and didnt have a clue where he was so i pointed him in the direction of a half covered bush and said have a shit over there, i came back 20minutes later to find him asleep on the floor with his pants at his ankles and shit all over himself, i couldnt stop laughing then me and a few other close mates kicked him a few times woke him up, he got his pants up and somehow got to the next bush where he sat down unknowingly with shit all over his hands he was rubbing his hands through his hair and face repeating 'crap what have i done' people heard about him and came over, about 1hour later his mum had to come and pick him up, till this day he's still embarresed about it but it was probably one of the funniest moments in my life so far
 
Didsbury Dave said:
Well done De Niro, you are indeed the best Mod in the land and all the world.

I am going to start a campaign to have this thread installed as a Classic.

If you like the thread, click on the "report" button (the red exclaimation mark) and instert the text "I believe the poo thread is a classic".
Click to expand...

The only thread that could do half as well as this one would be "...the worst you've ever had to piss..." !!!

Some classics, I suspect.
 
Whilst living with a girlfriend, the relationship had allbut died, and i started seing another women. After about 2 week it was time to end the relationship as i had really fallen for my bit on the side. 13 yr younger than me, gorgeous, body to die for.

Duly my now ex moved out and me my new younger model could finaly get down to the knitty gritty. I took her out round Ashton, onto one of the lovely curry houses sadly gone now then back to my place for what was our first full night together and copious amounts of rumpy pumpy.

Morning was soon upon us and we sat in bed giggling like school kidz, then i feels a little fart-a-brewing, swiftley lifted my bum cheeks for a quick bit of the fart game, farted on her thigh then quick as a flash was back on my side still giggling like a kid shouting ah ah got you.

My giggle was short lived however, she lifted the duvet, looked deadpan into my eyes, and said thanks you dirty bstd youve shit on my legs, as you can imagine i stopped mid giggle whilst trying to work out if she was getting me back for my childish prank.

Panic in my voice i said fck off i havn't, to which she lowered the duvet to reveal a lovely line of arse gravy down to her knee.

ah oh ah errm im sorry fckin sorry.....then she burst out laughing and said dont worry hun i'll just go and get a shower.

Weve been married 7 yr now and together 9. Love springs eternal

I love you Abigail
 
Was at Goodison away (when micah equalised in the last minute, and barton got his arse out) been on the booze all morning and was midway through the first half when I felt chippy curry making its way through my small intestines. Got to the bogs and emptied my arse. there was already a puddle in my keks so they got put in the cistern. I realised there was no fucking bog roll but could hear somebody in the stall next to me so I banged on the wall and asked the guy if there was any roll in that one. he said "no, but here you can have my sock" and threw it over. I though what a weird ****, but I wiped my arse on his sock anyway, flushed the bog and started walking out the toilets, thanking the chap on my way past his stall. the guy shouted "Oi, give us yours then, I've got nowt to wipe mine on" didn't click on at first, and started to take my shoe off, but realisation kicked in that he was locked in a cubicle in mid shit, so I ran off and left him minus 1 sock, and a muddy bum crack.

If the person that gave me his sock posts on here, I'm sorry for running off, but why didn't you just use your own sock? PM me your address and I'll post you a pair.
 
timesprout said:
Whilst living with a girlfriend, the relationship had allbut died, and i started seing another women. After about 2 week it was time to end the relationship as i had really fallen for my bit on the side. 13 yr younger than me, gorgeous, body to die for.

Duly my now ex moved out and me my new younger model could finaly get down to the knitty gritty. I took her out round Ashton, onto one of the lovely curry houses sadly gone now then back to my place for what was our first full night together and copious amounts of rumpy pumpy.

Morning was soon upon us and we sat in bed giggling like school kidz, then i feels a little fart-a-brewing, swiftley lifted my bum cheeks for a quick bit of the fart game, farted on her thigh then quick as a flash was back on my side still giggling like a kid shouting ah ah got you.

My giggle was short lived however, she lifted the duvet, looked deadpan into my eyes, and said thanks you dirty bstd youve shit on my legs, as you can imagine i stopped mid giggle whilst trying to work out if she was getting me back for my childish prank.

Panic in my voice i said fck off i havn't, to which she lowered the duvet to reveal a lovely line of arse gravy down to her knee.

ah oh ah errm im sorry fckin sorry.....then she burst out laughing and said dont worry hun i'll just go and get a shower.

Weve been married 7 yr now and together 9. Love springs eternal

I love you Abigail
Click to expand...

That last bit ruined the story for me. This is not the thread for soppy and sentimental endings! Sick freak.
 
BimboBob said:
timesprout said:
Whilst living with a girlfriend, the relationship had allbut died, and i started seing another women. After about 2 week it was time to end the relationship as i had really fallen for my bit on the side. 13 yr younger than me, gorgeous, body to die for.

Duly my now ex moved out and me my new younger model could finaly get down to the knitty gritty. I took her out round Ashton, onto one of the lovely curry houses sadly gone now then back to my place for what was our first full night together and copious amounts of rumpy pumpy.

Morning was soon upon us and we sat in bed giggling like school kidz, then i feels a little fart-a-brewing, swiftley lifted my bum cheeks for a quick bit of the fart game, farted on her thigh then quick as a flash was back on my side still giggling like a kid shouting ah ah got you.

My giggle was short lived however, she lifted the duvet, looked deadpan into my eyes, and said thanks you dirty bstd youve shit on my legs, as you can imagine i stopped mid giggle whilst trying to work out if she was getting me back for my childish prank.

Panic in my voice i said fck off i havn't, to which she lowered the duvet to reveal a lovely line of arse gravy down to her knee.

ah oh ah errm im sorry fckin sorry.....then she burst out laughing and said dont worry hun i'll just go and get a shower.

Weve been married 7 yr now and together 9. Love springs eternal

I love you Abigail
Click to expand...

That last bit ruined the story for me. This is not the thread for soppy and sentimental endings! Sick freak.
Click to expand...
Yeah but my wifes name is susan
 
benidorm a couple of years ago, down by the beach when you get the familiar rumbling in ya guts! had to shuffle back to the hotel trying to hold it in, made it to the pan but couldn't get the fuckin knot on me swimming shorts undone, ended up doin that stupid dance ya seem to do from foot to foot and bending at the waist while trying to untie this super granny knot didn't make it in time and fired out this brown water all over me shorts. had to dive in the shower and have a good old rinse then cleaned up with me towel which a then chucked on to one of the other lads balconys. nobody knew any different!!!
 
BimboBob said:
timesprout said:
Whilst living with a girlfriend, the relationship had allbut died, and i started seing another women. After about 2 week it was time to end the relationship as i had really fallen for my bit on the side. 13 yr younger than me, gorgeous, body to die for.

Duly my now ex moved out and me my new younger model could finaly get down to the knitty gritty. I took her out round Ashton, onto one of the lovely curry houses sadly gone now then back to my place for what was our first full night together and copious amounts of rumpy pumpy.

Morning was soon upon us and we sat in bed giggling like school kidz, then i feels a little fart-a-brewing, swiftley lifted my bum cheeks for a quick bit of the fart game, farted on her thigh then quick as a flash was back on my side still giggling like a kid shouting ah ah got you.

My giggle was short lived however, she lifted the duvet, looked deadpan into my eyes, and said thanks you dirty bstd youve shit on my legs, as you can imagine i stopped mid giggle whilst trying to work out if she was getting me back for my childish prank.

Panic in my voice i said fck off i havn't, to which she lowered the duvet to reveal a lovely line of arse gravy down to her knee.

ah oh ah errm im sorry fckin sorry.....then she burst out laughing and said dont worry hun i'll just go and get a shower.

Weve been married 7 yr now and together 9. Love springs eternal

I love you Abigail
Click to expand...

That last bit ruined the story for me. This is not the thread for sloppy and sentimental endings! Sick freak.
Click to expand...

I disagree, that tale brought a tear to my brown eye.
 
BlueBeenie said:
On a big family/friends holiday for 2 weeks in France my guts gave up after week 1. Pretty much everyone in our family likes a drink as do my mates and after a week long battering off jugs of stella during the day and cheap wine at night the end finally came while I was playing badminton with a mate.

"you've got some shit on your leg" she says, not meaning literally. I had a look and was wondering what the hell it was when my shorts leaked a bit more out, I soon realised I'd lost any form of control over my arse and my stomach was turning anything entering into a black green sludge that probably did more damage to the ozone layer than China.

That was the first time, I wont go into the other 2 that day before I managed to get some medicine to bung me up, fucking horrible and hugely embarrassing, ending up with me uttering the words that haunt me for the rest of my life from my mates who came with us...

aawwwwww not again
Click to expand...

Brilliant!!!
 
A mate of mine was trying to get into a local nitespot one Thursday night wearing jeans. Bouncer having none of it, so his pal offered to nip back to his nearby house and bring him a pair of his smart trousers. Mate gets changed in the bogs, job's a good 'un. Anyway, mate gets so hammered that night that he cacks said pants in the taxi home. Badly. Staggers to his bedroom (trying not to wake his Mum and Dad) and whips off manky kecks and sticks them in a bin bag in the corner of his room.

Friday morning. My mate goes off to work, making a mental note to put fermenting pants in the wash that evening before handing them back to his pal. Gets home from work, Mum puts his tea on the table. 'Oh, before I forget,' she says, 'M*** came round this morning asking for his trousers back, so I told him to go upstairs and get them from your room...' Mate went upstairs to find the bin bag gone.

Funny thing was, nothing was ever said about the matter...
 
Just got back from my place in Spain about an hour ago and logged on to see this thread.

Me and the Mrs have been on the lash all week and on Tuesday night We stayed in and had a salad (plus few beers). I decided to take the rubbish out to the big bins they have in Spain which was about 200 yards. as i got half way there I felt a bit of a grumble but decided to carry on - I mean, what can go wrong in 200 yards? on the way back I could feel a bit of back pressure and thought i would need to speed up - so I started to jog - big mistake! As I came through the front door I started up the stairs and farted. suffice it to say that Easter came early.

Mrs has forgiven me though now she has stopped laughing!
 
When I was 18, I worked security for my uncle on a fairly large building site, it was dmy first shift. it was early in the morning and my uncle was on the other side of the site dealing with a night delivery. I started to feel a rumbling down below, And thought it'll be ok till my uncle gets back (as i couldnt leave the cabin unattended) anyway about twenty minutes had passed and he wasn't back. so I got on the radio and told him I realy need the toilet. so he told me just go. The portaloo's were on the otherside of the development about ten minutes walk. it was only when I got there I had forgotten that I need the keys to get through the gates, So I ran back to the cabin called my uncle on the radio, where are the gate keys for the portaloo's. (BY THIS TIME ABOUT AN HOUR HAD PASSED AND THE PRESSURE BUILDING WAS FUCKING IMMENSE BELIEVE ME) My uncle said the keys were on a chain of keys in the draw. I stood there in disbelief as there were about 100 keys on a fucking chain. so I ran(not a good idea) back to the portaloo's. started trying all these keys. and then the pressure was just to much. And I couldn't hold it no more.

I walked back to the cabin crying my eyes out when i got there my uncles sat feet up brew in hand. i remember it this day. he turned to me and said Glynn whats up? to which I replied " I've fucking shit myself" I never worked on that site again!!!
 
In the early nineties we played QPR in the league cup and me and my brother had a few people stopping with us in London.
Anyway we'd done an all dayer on match day,me mainly drinking Guinness and gone to the match,no problems.
Went to the Springbok after the game and still more Guinness,it came to chucking out time and we're making way back home,when the guts started rumbling big time.
I was touching cloth by this time and desperate,my brother and his mates pointed to a house that had a cellar with a street entrance,so I sprinted over there and dropped my strides and crapped down the stairs,after all the Guinness, it was like a magicians wand and stunk to high heaven.
Unfortunately for the householder he chose this moment to put out his empty milk bottles,my brother and his mates legged it leaving me to clean up and fight off the bloke.
 
I'm so glad this thread's made a proud return, I thought it was lost forever in the archives.

Classic anyone?
 
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