Joke thread

I was appointed sex counsellor by my old Head of department.

Or so I assume. He said to me "When I want your f*cking advice I'll ask for it"
 
This girl went to the doctors with a chesty cough.

The doctor got his stethoscope out, put it to her breasts and said "Right....big breaths"

She replied "Yeth, and I'm not thixteen yet"



Woman goes into a dry cleaners, pulls a dress out of a bag and says

"Can you get these stains out for me"

The woman behind the counter didn't quite catch what she said, so she asked

"Come again"

Woman says, "No it's salad cream"



At my hospital appointment this morning, the consultant told me I had to loose some weight before I have surgery.
He said, 'Don't eat anything fatty'.
I said, 'you mean like butter and cheese?'
He said, 'No, fatty, I mean don't eat anything!'
 
A man goes into a chemists and asks for a packet of 5mm Durex.

The chemist says "Blimey, they will only fit a mouse"

The man replies "I know, the bleedin' house is overrun with them!"
 
I was walking in Yorkshire when I came across a man in a field manhandling a sheep.
I walked over and said "Alright mate, are you shearing?"
With a strong Yorkshire accent he replied "Bugger off, get your own."
 
My daughter asked me "Can my boyfriend stay over tonight?"
Can he fuk!!! I said
Like a rabbit" was not the reply I was looking for...
 

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