Joke thread

I was appointed sex counsellor by my old Head of department.

Or so I assume. He said to me "When I want your f*cking advice I'll ask for it"
 
This girl went to the doctors with a chesty cough.

The doctor got his stethoscope out, put it to her breasts and said "Right....big breaths"

She replied "Yeth, and I'm not thixteen yet"



Woman goes into a dry cleaners, pulls a dress out of a bag and says

"Can you get these stains out for me"

The woman behind the counter didn't quite catch what she said, so she asked

"Come again"

Woman says, "No it's salad cream"



At my hospital appointment this morning, the consultant told me I had to loose some weight before I have surgery.
He said, 'Don't eat anything fatty'.
I said, 'you mean like butter and cheese?'
He said, 'No, fatty, I mean don't eat anything!'
 
I was walking in Yorkshire when I came across a man in a field manhandling a sheep.
I walked over and said "Alright mate, are you shearing?"
With a strong Yorkshire accent he replied "Bugger off, get your own."
 
My daughter asked me "Can my boyfriend stay over tonight?"
Can he fuk!!! I said
Like a rabbit" was not the reply I was looking for...
 
Theresa May goes on a live T.V. debate on the B.B.C., after intense pressure, by the British public to hear her policies on important matters such as the NHS. Dimbleby keeps asking her questions about waiting times and privatisation of the NHS but, she can only answer "strong and stable" to them, over and over again. "Why do you answer 'strong and stable' to everything?" asks David Dimbleby and she replies "strong and stable". Dimbleby shakes his head in disbelief, turns to Jeremy Corbyn and asks him why does he think Theresa May keeps on saying "strong and stable", Corbyn says " I'm not sure David, but I know we're all sick of repeats on the B.B.C."
 
Zuriblue said:
Theresa May goes on a live T.V. debate on the B.B.C., after intense pressure, by the British public to hear her policies on important matters such as the NHS. Dimbleby keeps asking her questions about waiting times and privatisation of the NHS but, she can only answer "strong and stable" to them, over and over again. "Why do you answer 'strong and stable' to everything?" asks David Dimbleby and she replies "strong and stable". Dimbleby shakes his head in disbelief, turns to Jeremy Corbyn and asks him why does he think Theresa May keeps on saying "strong and stable", Corbyn says " I'm not sure David, but I know we're all sick of repeats on the B.B.C."
Click to expand...
Don't give your day job up
 
chris63 said:
Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel....
They say it's only for the Christmas period.
Click to expand...
How do you know when a barmaid doesn't like you?

When you order a Bloody Mary and there's a string stuck out of it.
 
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I'v had"!!
 
My son said to me last night "Dad can I ask you a question?"
I said. "Of course you can"
"It's a bit awkward" he began
I said "No probs, fire away."
"Why have you got your cock in the hoover?"
 
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