Joke thread

[dickie davies]

Keith and his wife are struggling financially, so they decide that
she'll try being a call girl.She's notquite sure what to do, so Keith says,
"Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge £100. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."

She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a
guy pulls up and asks "How much?" She says, "£100." He replies,
"All I've got is £30."

She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Keith and asks. "The bloke only has £30; what can he
get for that?"

"A hand job," Keith replied. She runs back and tell the guy all he gets for £30 is a hand job.

He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops this bloody
huge penis. She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right
back." She runs back to Keith.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy Quid?"

At least wait more than two pages before repeating a joke

 

[jimharri]

At least wait more than two pages before repeating a joke

Didn't see it posted before.

 

[Blue Mist]

Dear Mods,
When we get to elephants foreskins and seminal fluid, we have reached rock bottom. Time to suspend the thread!

Forget that, when jokes are repeated after only a page...……………...

 

[Uwe Already]

Forget that, when jokes are repeated after only a page...……………...

Thought I’d heard it before, only not as funny - must be the way he tells them...

 

[BlueMoonRisin’]

I opened the door today to a scouse meter reader. He said - "Eh la, can I come in and read your meter boss"?
I said "come in, put your arms above your head and keep clapping till I tell ya to stop"
"Why do you want me to do that la"?
"So you don't fuckin' rob me ya scouse tw@t"!

 

[sir baconface]

Earlier today I thought I’d spotted my first British superhero in Liverpool. He was wearing a cape and running down the street.

Turned out he hadn’t paid for his haircut.

 

[Uwe Already]

My grandparents were called Pearl and Dean, but I knew them as gran and grand - papa, papa papa, pa pa pa

(You need to be of a certain age)

 

[Fred_Quimby]

A Brian Clough.

Brian Clough came home late one night. As he got into bed his wife, Barbara, said ‘God, your feet are cold’ to which he replied ‘It’s OK love, when we are in bed you can call me Brian’.

 

[Fred_Quimby]

From Private Eye:-

“The reality really couldn’t be further from the truth”
Naomi Smith
LBC

“Play has stopped for rain and the battens have been hatched”
JIM MAXWELL
Radio 4

“Lucy Bronze says she’s ecstatic and super-humbled after becoming the first English player, male or female, to be named Uefa Women’s Player of the Year”
JACQUI OATLEY
Radio 4

“He’ll be licking his tongue there”
MARK CHAPMAN
Radio 5 Live

“Make sure that you get back up one more time than you have been knocked down”
MICHAEL HOLDING
Sky Sports

 

[aguero93:20]

“The reality really couldn’t be further from the truth”
Naomi Smith
LBC

She might be spot on with that one tbf.