Joke thread

[TheBlueDune]

Or was it two cons in the prison shower ?

Two Scottish cons?
Ben Doon and Phil McCracken?

 

[Indaparkside]

My wife said she's leaving me because I'm obsessed with supermarkets. “Do you want any help with your packing?" I said.

Your off your trolly

 

[Indaparkside]

Please stop googling 'Jokes from 1986'

Two nuns riding a tandom one said have we come this way before, the other said no it must be the coble stone's

 

[KS55]

And I thought I was one of the oldest on here......

 

[hammocity]

An old one

A recovering alcoholic Judge is going to a party with his fellow Qc’s. His wife tells him to avoid slipping off the wagon as he leaves the house.

Five hours later he returns, disheveled, pissed and his Dinner Jacket covered in vomit, his wife opens the door and looks at him in despair, he composes himself and manages to convince her he had not been drinking. He tells her a young hooligan had puked over him on the train, he said he’d had him arrested and he personally was going to sentence him in court the following morning.

At around noon the next day the Judge got a phone call from his wife, she said:

“Did you sentence that young man who vomited over you last night?”

“Oh yes, I gave the punk 6 months in a young offenders institution”

“Well dear you should give him an extra six months because he also shit in your underpants”.

 

[mikemcfc]

A bloke's walking down the city street to meet his mates at the club.
He comes across this down and out guy sitting on the sidewalk leaning against a wall who looks up says,
" Hi mate can you spare any money?"
The bloke replies "If I give you money are you going to spend it on booze?"
The guy says "oh no no no don't worry about that"
The bloke says "that's too bad, all my money is going for booze."

 

[jimharri]

Describe yourself in 3 words:

Lazy

 

[dronefromsector7G]

Looking around in disappointment, my girlfriend said, "When you told me I'd never forget tonight, I was expecting a big ring." "All in good time love," I said, reaching for the lube. "All in good time!

 

[hammocity]

Describe yourself in 3 words:

Lazy

60% of people can do basic arithmetic, the other 50% are rubbish at it.

 

[jimharri]

60% of people can do basic arithmetic, the other 50% are rubbish at it.

What about the other10%?

 

[dronefromsector7G]

I was gutted to lose my job at the Pepsi factory... I tested positive for Coke!

 

[sir baconface]

I’ve had a sweater made from golden retriever fur.

My wife says I look fetching in it.

 

[jimharri]

Two old Glasgow women are walking past a bakery window

One says to the other, 'Is that a cake or a meringue?'

Other says, 'Naw, you're right, thats a cake'

 

[hammocity]

Two old Glasgow women are walking past a bakery window

One says to the other, 'Is that a cake or a meringue?'

Other says, 'Naw, you're right, thats a cake'

Had to read that a few times to get it

 

[MellowJoe]

Why didn't the broom get up for work?

It overswept

 

[tommo74]

Two Scottish cons?
Ben Doon and Phil McCracken?

What about his other mate? Toss mackaber

 

[1.618034]

What about his other mate? Toss mackaber

Or Phil McAverty?

 

[Cityfan]

Two old Glasgow women are walking past a bakery window

One says to the other, 'Is that a cake or a meringue?'

Other says, 'Naw, you're right, thats a cake'

They then went into the butcher's and asked the man behind the counter.
Is that yer Ayrshire bacon.
'Naw I'm Just warmin me haunds'

 

[KS55]

Two old Glasgow women are walking past a bakery window

One says to the other, 'Is that a cake or a meringue?'

Other says, 'Naw, you're right, thats a cake'

Gawd help us.

 

[RadcliffeRick]

Why didn't the broom get up for work?

It overswept

You've opened the Christmas crackers early this year!