Joke thread

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death.Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.True to his word, he made the first contact: "Sue..........Sue" "Is that you, George?" " Yes, I've come back like we agreed. ""That's wonderful !? What's it like? "" Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.Then it's more sex until late at night.I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again" " Oh, George, are you in Heaven?...... "No, I'm a rabbit in Hampshire."
 
jimharri said:
Christ, they even make some of mine appear mildly amusing.


Ish.

If you fellas have day jobs, I wouldn't go jacking them in for a career on stage just yet.
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I did say it was an unfunny one. It's called joke thread, not funny joke thread - or most of these wouldn't get on it
We should hold a vote for the unfunniest joke
 
Boris Johnson, Donald Trump, Pope Francis and Mary, a Ten year old Irish school girl were on a plane with just 3 parachutes. The plane was about to go down, and, as they were short one parachute they decided Boris should go first Boris when he said, "I'm the smartest man in England, I simply cannot die, I have to survive", and out he jumped with the parachute.
Next was Trump and he said, "I need to make America great again and sort out this corona virus", so out he jumped.
One parachute left, Pope Francis said, "little Mary, you take it. I have lived a good life, you are young, your whole life is ahead of you, take it".
Mary replied... "it's OK Francis, there's two parachutes left, the smartest man in England took my schoolbag".
 
Paulpowersleftfoot said:
Boris Johnson, Donald Trump, Pope Francis and Mary, a Ten year old Irish school girl were on a plane with just 3 parachutes. The plane was about to go down, and, as they were short one parachute they decided Boris should go first Boris when he said, "I'm the smartest man in England, I simply cannot die, I have to survive", and out he jumped with the parachute.
Next was Trump and he said, "I need to make America great again and sort out this corona virus", so out he jumped.
One parachute left, Pope Francis said, "little Mary, you take it. I have lived a good life, you are young, your whole life is ahead of you, take it".
Mary replied... "it's OK Francis, there's two parachutes left, the smartest man in England took my schoolbag".
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dont get it. has Boris said he is the smartest man in England?
 
Billy Graham, the greatest evangelist of his time came to Wembley Stadium in the mid-60's. A crowd of 100,000 came to hear him.
For over an hour he raised fire and brimstone with fever pitch praying and glory hallelujah-ing.
He promised the faithful to perform miracles and called for 2 infirmed people to come on to the stage.
Mrs Smith, a cripple with 2 crutches was half carried on stage followed by Mr Jones who had a terrible lisp when talking. They both went behind a screen.
Mr Graham got the crowd to stand, to pray to god, to sing his praise, to shout hallelujahs, to beg his miracles.
The stadium was deafened by such fervour and devotion. The the preacher shouted "Mrs Smith, throw away your crutches and to a great shout of joy, first one crutch, then the other one is flung over the screen. The crowd yelled with more hallelujahs. Then preacher man shouts "Mr Jones, speak to us,let us hear you voice"
"Mithith Thmith has just fallen over"
 
Fiftyyearsandcounting said:
Billy Graham, the greatest evangelist of his time came to Wembley Stadium in the mid-60's. A crowd of 100,000 came to hear him.
For over an hour he raised fire and brimstone with fever pitch praying and glory hallelujah-ing.
He promised the faithful to perform miracles and called for 2 infirmed people to come on to the stage.
Mrs Smith, a cripple with 2 crutches was half carried on stage followed by Mr Jones who had a terrible lisp when talking. They both went behind a screen.
Mr Graham got the crowd to stand, to pray to god, to sing his praise, to shout hallelujahs, to beg his miracles.
The stadium was deafened by such fervour and devotion. The the preacher shouted "Mrs Smith, throw away your crutches and to a great shout of joy, first one crutch, then the other one is flung over the screen. The crowd yelled with more hallelujahs. Then preacher man shouts "Mr Jones, speak to us,let us hear you voice"
"Mithith Thmith has just fallen over"
Click to expand...
I thought I'd clicked on the joke thread!
 
Fiftyyearsandcounting said:
Billy Graham, the greatest evangelist of his time came to Wembley Stadium in the mid-60's. A crowd of 100,000 came to hear him.
For over an hour he raised fire and brimstone with fever pitch praying and glory hallelujah-ing.
He promised the faithful to perform miracles and called for 2 infirmed people to come on to the stage.
Mrs Smith, a cripple with 2 crutches was half carried on stage followed by Mr Jones who had a terrible lisp when talking. They both went behind a screen.
Mr Graham got the crowd to stand, to pray to god, to sing his praise, to shout hallelujahs, to beg his miracles.
The stadium was deafened by such fervour and devotion. The the preacher shouted "Mrs Smith, throw away your crutches and to a great shout of joy, first one crutch, then the other one is flung over the screen. The crowd yelled with more hallelujahs. Then preacher man shouts "Mr Jones, speak to us,let us hear you voice"
"Mithith Thmith has just fallen over"
Click to expand...
(Quietly slits own throat)
 
Fiftyyearsandcounting said:
Billy Graham, the greatest evangelist of his time came to Wembley Stadium in the mid-60's. A crowd of 100,000 came to hear him.
For over an hour he raised fire and brimstone with fever pitch praying and glory hallelujah-ing.
He promised the faithful to perform miracles and called for 2 infirmed people to come on to the stage.
Mrs Smith, a cripple with 2 crutches was half carried on stage followed by Mr Jones who had a terrible lisp when talking. They both went behind a screen.
Mr Graham got the crowd to stand, to pray to god, to sing his praise, to shout hallelujahs, to beg his miracles.
The stadium was deafened by such fervour and devotion. The the preacher shouted "Mrs Smith, throw away your crutches and to a great shout of joy, first one crutch, then the other one is flung over the screen. The crowd yelled with more hallelujahs. Then preacher man shouts "Mr Jones, speak to us,let us hear you voice"
"Mithith Thmith has just fallen over"
Click to expand...


The joke was good in its theory but the delivery needs work.
 
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