Joke thread

I’ve just been talking to my mate Dave the Plumber.

After 30 years of marriage to Florence he has decided to leave her.

The note he left on the kitchen table simply read

"It's over Flo"
 
True story....
Last week whilst working in the kitchen as a chef I was looking out the serving hatch at the City v Chelsea game which was on in the bar. When suddenly the commis who had burned a pizza came up to me and asked did I want a slice.
I said " no it's TOO UNHEALTHY". After a slight pause he says " who are they playing"?
 
solley attwell said:
True story....
Last week whilst working in the kitchen as a chef I was looking out the serving hatch at the City v Chelsea game which was on in the bar. When suddenly the commis who had burned a pizza came up to me and asked did I want a slice.
I said " no it's TOO UNHEALTHY". After a slight pause he says " who are they playing"?
Click to expand...
Spent more time than I should have trying to make sense of this.
 
A lady takes her poodle to the vet, while in the waiting room she meets another lady dog owner with a Great Dane..
'Aw poor little poodle dog' the Great Dane's owner asks.. 'What's wrong with him?'
'He's in heat' she replies 'Everytime I bend over he's on my back, so we've come to get him neutered.'
'Oh my dog is exactly the same!'
'Oh so you're having him neutered too?'
'No, no, i'm having his nails cut.'
 
An old guy goes to the doctors, he doesn't feel well.. he gets a full medical, he says 'What's wrong with me doc?
Doc says 'Well, you have liver chirossis, your lungs are functioning at 3% capacity, your remaining kidney is too dry, and you've got blood disease'
The guy says 'Oh good god, what should I do?'
Doc says 'Go home and take a mud bath'
'Will that help me?' the guy says
Doc says 'No, but I want you to get used to being covered in dirt'
 
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