Joke thread

My scouse mate has just got his kids a trampoline and bikes from the internet.
I asked which website he saw it on.
He replied 'Google earth'
 
This morning my dog looked at me and then said (yep, another one of those talking dogs); ''Tell me a joke.''
I replied; ''No, you wouldn't understand the concept of human humour.''
''Oh yeah,'' he whinged. ''Because humans are sooo clever and I'm just a stupid dog.''
''Okay,'' I said. ''Knock knock.''
Then he ran off shouting; ''It's the door, it's door; quick quick; somebody is at the door''.
 
50 shades of Birkenhead .

."Even though he only had one tattoo I yearned for him to fill those lonely hours between Jeremy Kyle and Loose Women". "As he approached, his smile told me it was benefit day and I knew my Lonsdale top would be hanging off the lamp shade tonight.""As I stood in line at the Job Centre a sweet smell drifted past my pig like nostrils. It was a mixture of weed, B.O and Lynx Africa. I turned around and there he was. Our eyes met and he was soon lifting me onto the wheelie bins behind Aldi. There was a tramp watching but it just added to the mystery. I knew it was love when i could feel the edges of his sovereign ring rubbing the rim of my arsehole and my life would never be the same!"

To be continued,


Not!
 
5282348_700b.jpg
 
A book fell on my head today. I only have my shelf to blame.
 
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
first was a butcher, smart with wit,
Using a knife he gave it a slit.
second was a carpenter, strong and bold,,
with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.
Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within.
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without.
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
he threw in a fish, and gave it a smell.
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was Mcgee,
He touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.
Last came a sailor, a dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it and called it a c*nt.
 
Bloke takes his dog to a talent contest and its his turn on stage, the bloke says "this is charlie my talking dog,would someone like to ask him a question" ??
A bloke form the audience shouts out " whats on top of a house" charlie replies " ROOF"...with that the audience boo charlie and his embarrassed owner of the stage, In the car on the way home charlie sheepishly looks at his owner and says" with hindsight I feel it would have been more appropriate to have said Chimney "
 
Can you believe it?

My Income Tax return form has been sent back to me because, in response to question 4, "Do you have anyone dependent on you?", I replied "2.1 million Illegal Immigrants, 1.1 million Crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 900,000 criminals in over 85 Prisons, plus 650 idiots in Parliament and the whole of the European Commission."

They said this was not an acceptable answer! So who the hell did I miss out?
 
BackofJeanette said:
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
first was a butcher, smart with wit,
Using a knife he gave it a slit.
second was a carpenter, strong and bold,,
with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.
Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within.
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without.
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
he threw in a fish, and gave it a smell.
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was Mcgee,
He touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.
Last came a sailor, a dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it and called it a c*nt.
Click to expand...

But just for a laugh and a bit of a bet,
Ric from Bluemoon invented a bigger one called Back Of Jeanette.
 
Baldyblue said:
spam1967 said:
having a pint with my pal the other day who's a binman. he was telling me when he went to the local chinese chippy for the bins. this is how it went when the binman knocked on the door when there was no bins outside.

binman: "where's ya bin?"

chinaman:" i bin hong kong."

binman(really frustrated): "no,no, no , ya bin, where's ya bin?"

chinaman: "i bin hong kong."

binman(really frustrated,now mimicing the shape of a wheelie bin): "ya bin. you know YA WHEELIE BIN! WHERE'S YA WHEELIE BIN?"

chinaman: "i wheelie bin hong kong."
Click to expand...

Who says racist stereotyping is dead...
Click to expand...

Who says some people just have NO sense of humour anymore?
 
I've just bought my Wife one of those pug dogs as a surprise present.
Despite the squashed nose, wonky eyes and trouble breathing due to the weight gain over the years, the dog seems to like her.
 
Two pavement pizza's walking down the street,one said " I was brought up around here".

Two lions walking down the street and one says " Its quiet around here".
 
Excited couple go into the maternity ward to see their new baby, there are 3 beds.
one contains a single leg,the second contains a single arm and the third bed contains an ear..

The nurse leads the couple to the third bed and says "this is your child but theres a problem,.................its deaf."
 
A man walks into a psychiatrist office covered in clear wrap. The doctor turns around and says

"I can clearly see ur nuts" lol

I'm out........
 
Watching the documentary about 9/11.There was a hot dog seller who was under the rubble for 2 days.When the emergency services rescued him the first thing he said was "who ordered two jumbos"
 
I went to the doctors today.

I said "Do you treat alcoholics?"

He said "Yes - of course I do"

I said "Any chance of taking me for a beer then, I'm fucking skint!"
 
Two interesting facts you may not know about me. 1) My knob is the same length as 3 Argos pens. 2) I'm banned from Argos.
 
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