Joke thread

[ST Coleridge]

I met Rolf Harris at the Jubilee concert I said are you the bloke that did 2 little boys in the 70s he says no that was Gary Glitter

Spooky.

 

[woodieMCFC]

What's the difference between Man Utd and North Korea?
One's a regime run by a mentalist, facist dictator and followed by thousands of brainwashed
in-breds....





The other's a pisspot country in Asia.

I like that one Haha

 

[ST Coleridge]

What's brown and rhymes with 'snoop'?

Spoiler

Dr. Dre

 

[paphos-mcfc]

Margaret Thatcher, the only person to fuck more miners than Jimmy Savile...

I thank you.

 

[BackofJeanette]

£12 for a 3 course meal that feeds 4, that's why Mum's go to Iceland.


£5 for an 18 year old girl bouncing on your cock all day,

that's why Dad's go to Thailand.<br /><br />-- Sat Apr 20, 2013 10:15 pm --<br /><br />The Scottish F.A. have given the green light for the use of goal-line technology.


Hawk-eye the noo will be in use from next season.

 

[mrcunny]

So, I walked in to a pub last week and said to the bar man - 'Can I have lalf a hager and a woman of pitter...?'

Barman looks at me funny like....

'Sorry! I mean pint of bitter and half a lager! Got me letter mixed up din't ah!!'

Barman reassures me - 'Ah don't worry about it mate, I do that all the time... Just the other morning I woke up to the smell of me wife cooking breakfast. It smelt beautiful. As I was walking down the stairs I meant to shout down - 'ere Sharon, put us some egg and bacon on! But what actually came out was - you've ruined my life you stupid fat cow....

 

[Carstairs]

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.


By the end you wish you had a club and a spade.

 

[Txiki Vimto]

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
His wife is lying in bed reading.

The man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
His wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

The man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm.
- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball (a bit bigger than a cricket ball).
- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.
- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.
- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.
- Women blink twice as much as men.
- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.
- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!
- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.
- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
(You looked at your thumb... didn't you?)

Haha class.

 

[mrcunny]

Took the missus out for a romantic meal last night and played footsie under the table while we were eating.I had a lovely steak and she got toed in the hole.

 

[speccybob]

Took the missus out for a romantic meal last night and played footsie under the table while we were eating.I had a lovely steak and she got toed in the hole.

Brilliant!!!!

 

[unsworthblue]

my mate rang before saying he had the shits and his arse was killing! he asked me 'what yer reckon is wrong?' so i said 'ring sting' he replied 'whats that geordie **** know about anything<br /><br />-- Thu Apr 25, 2013 11:45 pm --<br /><br />my mate rang before saying he had the shits and his arse was killing! he asked me 'what yer reckon is wrong?' so i said 'ring sting' he replied 'whats that geordie **** know about anything

 

[davymcfc]

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.


By the end you wish you had a club and a spade.

Quality

 

[Ancient Citizen]

In the Style of Dean Martins ''Amore''

'When you live on a farm and you bite someones arm.
That's a Suarez!

When your forehead is wide and your teeth are offside,
That's a Suarez!

When you dive for a pen, over and over again,
That's a Suarez!

When your gums are so tight, like you've strained for a shite.
That's a Suarez!

 

[BELLENDER]

Summer at last! Mini-skirt time at last!

I just love walking around the park with a gentle breeze caressing my balls.


My Grandad died from Asbestosis last year.

It took seven months to cremate him.

 

[BELLENDER]

My son has just swallowed my phone...

...I'll ring his neck.

 

[Barcon]

Doctor Doctor, I have a hard time making friends. You fucking cocksucker.

 

[takeabooson]

Took the missus out for a romantic meal last night and played footsie under the table while we were eating.I had a lovely steak and she got toed in the hole.

Absolute class

 

[jimharri]

First Thatcher dies, then Ferguson retires.

Somewhere, there is a Scouser with a lamp and one wish left.

 

[johnmc]

My drug dealer really cracks me up

 

[paphos-mcfc]

PSG are leading the race to sign Wayne Rooney and look set to offer him 250 Grans a week. #shagfest

Ken Barlow, Stuart Hall, Kevin Webster, Rolf Harris, Freddie Star, Jim Davidson... Tel you what, the prison pantomime is gonna be good this year!

Leigh and Las Vegas don't have much in common..
But they are the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips