Joke thread

foetus said:
My jimmy saville advent calendar is shit...the flaps only open from 1-16.


Turn it round, I've heard they may have doors on the back if you're wondering where the chocolate is.

You sick bastard.
 
I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fecking fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for. And what happens Christmas morning? That fat fecker with a beard gets all the credit!! Still I suppose its my fault for marrying her.
 
Message to the person who stole my trainers while i was on the bouncy castle... fucking grow up!
 
A bloke is having sex with a prostitute when he starts sucking on her breast. After a little while, much to his surprise he gets a warm mouthful.

He looks up at her and says ''Wow, I would have thought you were too old to give milk!''

She says ''I am, but I'm not too old to get cysts.''
 
blue12 said:
A bloke is having sex with a prostitute when he starts sucking on her breast. After a little while, much to his surprise he gets a warm mouthful.

He looks up at her and says ''Wow, I would have thought you were too old to give milk!''

She says ''I am, but I'm not too old to get cysts.''
that's fucked up. arrrghhhhh
 
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her ****ing appendix out!"
 
I've just had my anal prostate examination, and after the doctor had left the room, the nurse came in and whispered in my ear the five words I was dreading hearing...

''Who the fuck was that?''
 
corky1970 said:
strongbowholic said:
foetus said:
A boy was on his way to school when he saw the words purple passion written on a wall. He had no idea what they meant, so when he got to school and the teacher asked if there were any questions, he raised his hand. When he was called upon he asked ,"What is purple passion?" His teacher screamed at him to go to the principal.

The principal asked him why he was there and he said "When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me here." "What are the words," the principal asked. "Purple passion," replied the boy. The principal freaked out and expelled him and told him to get out of the school.

At home is mother asked him why he had been expelled, and he said "When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principal's office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me." "What are the words," his mother asked. "Purple passion," he said. His mom turned red and yelled at him to go up to his room and wait for his father.

When his dad got home he said to the boy, "So I hear you got into a lot of trouble today. Tell me what happened." So the boy said," When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principal's office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up here to wait for you. "Well, son, what are the words?" "Purple passion. "the boy replied. His father exploded and kicked him out of the house.

As he was wandering around he ran into some friends. They said, "What's going on, man? We heard you got expelled and your dad kicked you out." So the boy said," When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principal's office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out." "Wow, what are the words?" his friends asked. "Purple passion, "he replied. All of his friends jumped him and started beating him up until a bum came by and scared them off.

The bum said, "I just saved your life. Tell me why they were all beating you up." The boy said," When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principal's office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up." "So what are the words," the bum asked. "I don't know if I should say" "Come on I just saved your life, don't be ungrateful, "the man remarked. "Okay, okay. The words were purple passion." The bum freaks out and starts beating the boy up until a cop comes along and breaks it up.

The cop asks the boy what happened. The boy says," When I was on my way to school today, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principal's office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up. The bum came by and scared them off, he then asked me what had happened and I told him everything. Then he asked what the words were and when I told him he began beating me up." The cop said, "What were the words?" The boy replied, "Purple passion." "The cop put the boy into hand cuffs, beat him up, and took him to jail.

The next day the boy appeared before a judge. The judge asked him for his story. The boy said," When I was on my way to school yesterday, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principal's office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up. The bum came by and scared them off, he then asked me what had happened and I told him everything. Then he asked what the words were and when I told him he began beating me up. Then a cop came by and broke it up and after explaining the story to him he asked what the words were and when I told him he handcuffed me and took me to jail."

The judge said, "What were the words?" The boy said, "Haven't you been paying any attention? I'm not going to tell you." The judge informed him that he would get into more trouble if he didn't just say the words so he said, "Purple passion." The judge was appalled and sentenced him to ten years in jail.


Everyone was curious about their new cell mate, so they asked him what he was in for and he said, "When I was on my way to school one day, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principal's office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up. The bum came by and scared them off, he then asked me what had happened and I told him everything. Then he asked what the words were and when I told him he began beating me up. Then a cop came by and broke it up and after explaining the story to him he asked what the words were and when I told him he handcuffed me and took me to jail. The next day I had to go to court and the judge asked me what happened and I told him everything and then he asked me the words and when I told him he gave me ten years."

Everyone was amazed at the story and asked what the words were. Sighing deeply the boy said, "Purple passion. He spent the next ten years getting beat up.

The day he was released he met a beautiful woman. She said, "You look like you've had a very rough time. What happened?" So the man said, "When I was on my way to school one day, I saw some words written on a wall and I didn't know what they meant so when the teacher asked if there were any questions I asked her what they meant and she yelled at me and sent me to the principal's office. When I got there he asked me what had happened and I told him everything and he asked me what the words were and when I told him he freaked out and expelled me. When I got home my mom asked me what had happened and I told her everything and she asked me what the words were. When I told her she sent me up to my room to wait for my dad. He asked me what happened and after I told him everything he asked me the words and when I told him he kicked me out. I ran into my friends and they asked me why I had been expelled and kicked out of my house and I told them everything and then they asked what the words were. When I told them, they beat me up. The bum came by and scared them off, he then asked me what had happened and I told him everything. Then he asked what the words were and when I told him he began beating me up. Then a cop came by and broke it up and after explaining the story to him he asked what the words were and when I told him he handcuffed me and took me to jail. The next day I had to go to court and the judge asked me what happened and I told him everything and then he asked me the words and when I told him he gave me ten years. All of my cell mates asked me what the words were and I just sighed and told them. I have spent the last ten years getting beat up."

"Oh that is just awful!" the woman exclaimed. "What were the words?" "Do you think I'm stupid!" exploded the man. "I'm not going to tell you the words." "Oh come on," the woman cooed. "I won't do anything to you." "Oh, alright. The words were purple passion." "Purple passion?"asked the woman with her eyes lit up. "Yes, "the man replied. "You see that hotel across the street? If you meet me there in one hour I will tell you the meaning of purple passion."

The man was ecstatic. He was finally going to learn what purple passion meant after all of this time. Once the hour was up, he set off for across the street in a hurry. As he stepped off the curb, he was hit by a bus.

The moral of the story: Look both ways before crossing the street.

:)
Brilliant.


you are both a pair of cunts..one for writing it and taking 10 years off my life and one for saying its brilliant

I have the NSA on a search for you , they will find you..and kill you
I told it at darts the other week - I was fucking crying laughing even though I was the one telling it! Everyone else threatened to stick my darts up my arse.
 
DavidSilvasLeftFoot said:
Man goes into a vets in Yorkshire, with his cat in a basket.
The Vet asks "Is it a tom?" .
"Nay lad, 'ave got it ere in't basket".
Lecturer at a Manchester University asks his students, 'What do you call a unit of impedance?"
Students says, "Is it a ohm?"
Lecturer says, "Dunt matter, it's called the same thing where-ever it is."

*Fully justified criticism ahoy.*
 
strongbowholic said:
corky1970 said:
strongbowholic said:
Brilliant.


you are both a pair of cunts..one for writing it and taking 10 years off my life and one for saying its brilliant

I have the NSA on a search for you , they will find you..and kill you
I told it at darts the other week - I was fucking crying laughing even though I was the one telling it! Everyone else threatened to stick my darts up my arse.
I don't get it?
 
hackneyslim said:
DavidSilvasLeftFoot said:
Man goes into a vets in Yorkshire, with his cat in a basket.
The Vet asks "Is it a tom?" .
"Nay lad, 'ave got it ere in't basket".
Lecturer at a Manchester University asks his students, 'What do you call a unit of impedance?"
Students says, "Is it a ohm?"
Lecturer says, "Dunt matter, it's called the same thing where-ever it is."

*Fully justified criticism ahoy.*
I_serioused.gif.pagespeed.ce.WgwbUZgpzu.gif
 

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